NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On his Fox News show tonight, host Tucker Carlson is expected to make what sources close to the situation are calling a “re-branding announcement.”
“Just after Tucker finishes the the last racist joke in his opening monologue, he’s going to have a pretty bigly re-branding announcement,” a Fox News insider told us on the condition of anonymity and a WalMart gift card. “We think think this will really make Tucker’s core audience extremely happy. They’re the type that seems to really enjoy when a coastal elite millionaire heir takes his hood off and reveals himself to be one of them.”
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According to our source, Carlson has officially filed legal paperwork to change his first name. Two additional K’s will be added, making him “Tuckkker Carlson.” As a result, Carlson’s TV show will also be rebranded with his new moniker.
“After doing some market research and a few focus groups, the Fox brass decided that they might be able to attract some alternative sponsors to the show if they blew a few more dog whistles on and about it,” our source described the thought process behind the re-branding to us. “Tucker’s come under fire a lot recently, and has had a lot of his sponsorships cut, so they decided now might be a good time to see if companies like Stormfront or Breitbart might be willing to sponsor his show.”
Tuckkker Carlson Tonight will remain largely the same as its similarly named counterpart. However, there will be some new additions to the show, to spark interest and perhaps attract new viewers.
“He plans on having Juan Williams on every night, but before anyone in Tuck’s audience gets nervous about that, let me assure you,” our source said, “it’s just so he can scream the N-word at Juan for like ten solid minutes, laugh, give him the finger, and then cut the interview short. You know, because he’s an intellectual leader on the right.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.