|The following editorial was written by Fox News correspondent and the KKK’s White Supremacist of the Year for 2012, Tucker Carlson. The views and opinions expressed below are his, and only his, and do not reflect those of this publication, its ownership, or staff.|
The NSA is spying on me. Allow me to repeat, so that the simple-minded liberals reading this can understand it — the NSA is spying on me.
Before you open your smug mouth and ask me for evidence — stow it. Firstly, as a rich, white heir and trust fund baby, I have no reason or moral obligation to show you proof of anything. You see, I’m a middle-aged white guy, which already means I have superpowers that allow me to make things disappear when I don’t want to hear about them, like racism, or poor people in general. Secondly, I don’t need evidence to know I’m being spied on, because I have my feelings, and much more importantly, an audience full of willingly duped rubes who will believe anything I say as long as I use a few key dog whistles beforehand.
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Some of my critics have said that I have lied in the past in discrediting my allegations against the NSA. Their argument, I guess, is that if someone is known to have lied about one, two, or six hundred things in the past, they can’t be trusted completely without verifying anything. Trusting but verifying is for cucks and Ronald Regan, and in case anyone has forgotten, we Republicans have moved on from St. Ronald and embraced God King Emperor Trump.
I will admit that when my critics and skeptics point out that Fox News’ lawyers literally argued in court, successfully that, “Fox persuasively argues, that given Mr. Carlson’s reputation, any reasonable viewer ‘arrive[s] with an appropriate amount of skepticism’ about the statement he makes,” and that “Whether the Court frames Mr. Carlson’s statements as ‘exaggeration,’ ‘non-literal commentary,’ or simply bloviating for his audience, the conclusion remains the same — the statements are not actionable.” So, yes, technically that means that, legally speaking, I am so full of shit I make outhouses jealous.
I defy anyone to convince me why that legal case matters now, though.
Sure, I lied non-stop about the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction program for years, not just before the Iraq War, but during and after it. That doesn’t mean I’m lying about being spied on though! In fact, just because I lied about Donald Trump being spied on by the Obama administration doesn’t mean that I’m lying about the NSA spying on me now, either!
Let me also just state, for the record, that constantly lying about Donald Trump really being the winner of the election means nothing in this context. Just because I broadcast a dangerous lie for weeks on end does not mean that I’m a big lying fuckface. Sure, maybe at the end of it all I am a big, lying fuckface. But me lying about the election isn’t why.’
So to sum up: The NSA spied on me, and despite an entire career literally built on lying to the American people, I’m not lying this one time.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.