Tucker Carlson Vows He’ll Never Stop Sexually Fantasizing About Cartoon M&M’s

Published on

An angrily tearful Tucker Carlson told his Fox News audience today that he is “fully, full-on committed” to finding cartoon candy mascots attractive, and sharing his frequent sexual fantasies about them, with his audience.

“I don’t care that Maya Rudolph is replacing my beloved M&M candy mascots,” Carlson, wiping tears from his eyes, told Fox’s viewers. “Of course they caved to woke pressure and hired a…you know…person of COLOR — WINK WINK — to replace my beloved candy goddesses. I know M&M’s are brown on the inside, but somehow I’m able to ignore that because they’re not brown on the outside like she is. Wait, did I say that out loud? GOOD!”

Carlson was expressing outrage at the fact that M&M’s issued a statement today, indicating they were moving away from cartoon mascots, and instead actress and comedian Maya Rudolph would be their news spokesperson.

Mr. Carlson was one of several right-wing pundits and commentators who were outraged last year when M&M’s removed the high heel shoes from the Green M&M. Carlson and others accused M&M’s of trying to de-feminize the character to seem more inclusive to transgender people. Not long after, the National Institute of No Fucking Duh released results of a study that showed not every cisgender woman wears high heels either, which Carlson called “scientific cultural Marxism.”

“Here’s one thing I will promise you, and every American out there: I will never, ever stop sexually fetishizing the M&M’s. In fact,” Carlson said, “I will make you this promise right here and right now — I WILL fuck a bag of M&M’s. Mark my words. I will lube up my trouser ferret and slide it into a bag of M&M’s, live, on-air. I just need to find a fun size bag of M&M’s so my dong will have a nice, tight fit, and then it is on! IT. IS. ON!”

@jamboschlarmbo #TuckerCarlson with his finger on the pulse of America. #MandM #satire #politics #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #politik ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann


Follow James: PostTikTokTwitterInstagramFacebook

Latest articles

Steve Bannon Wants You to Send Him Copies of Obama’s and Hillary’s Books While He’s in Prison

"I aggressively fantasize about both of them in my dreams." After writing about politics for...

Ashley’s Diary, Hunter’s Laptop, Obama’s Birth Certificate, and the Bible: All the Facts I Need

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump 2024 surrogate Dustin Pewpsin....

Betrayal? RFK’s Brain Worms Just Endorsed Donald Trump

"Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything...

Every Former President Ranked from Least to Most Felony Convictions

Our regular readers will likely recall that part of our mission statement here --...