Tucker Carlson Vows He’ll Never Stop Sexually Fantasizing About Cartoon M&M’s

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An angrily tearful Tucker Carlson told his Fox News audience today that he is “fully, full-on committed” to finding cartoon candy mascots attractive, and sharing his frequent sexual fantasies about them, with his audience.

“I don’t care that Maya Rudolph is replacing my beloved M&M candy mascots,” Carlson, wiping tears from his eyes, told Fox’s viewers. “Of course they caved to woke pressure and hired a…you know…person of COLOR — WINK WINK — to replace my beloved candy goddesses. I know M&M’s are brown on the inside, but somehow I’m able to ignore that because they’re not brown on the outside like she is. Wait, did I say that out loud? GOOD!”

Carlson was expressing outrage at the fact that M&M’s issued a statement today, indicating they were moving away from cartoon mascots, and instead actress and comedian Maya Rudolph would be their news spokesperson.

Mr. Carlson was one of several right-wing pundits and commentators who were outraged last year when M&M’s removed the high heel shoes from the Green M&M. Carlson and others accused M&M’s of trying to de-feminize the character to seem more inclusive to transgender people. Not long after, the National Institute of No Fucking Duh released results of a study that showed not every cisgender woman wears high heels either, which Carlson called “scientific cultural Marxism.”

“Here’s one thing I will promise you, and every American out there: I will never, ever stop sexually fetishizing the M&M’s. In fact,” Carlson said, “I will make you this promise right here and right now — I WILL fuck a bag of M&M’s. Mark my words. I will lube up my trouser ferret and slide it into a bag of M&M’s, live, on-air. I just need to find a fun size bag of M&M’s so my dong will have a nice, tight fit, and then it is on! IT. IS. ON!”

@jamboschlarmbo #TuckerCarlson with his finger on the pulse of America. #MandM #satire #politics #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #politik ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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