Tucker Carlson Vows He’ll Never Stop Sexually Fantasizing About Cartoon M&M’s

An angrily tearful Tucker Carlson told his Fox News audience today that he is “fully, full-on committed” to finding cartoon candy mascots attractive, and sharing his frequent sexual fantasies about them, with his audience.

“I don’t care that Maya Rudolph is replacing my beloved M&M candy mascots,” Carlson, wiping tears from his eyes, told Fox’s viewers. “Of course they caved to woke pressure and hired a…you know…person of COLOR — WINK WINK — to replace my beloved candy goddesses. I know M&M’s are brown on the inside, but somehow I’m able to ignore that because they’re not brown on the outside like she is. Wait, did I say that out loud? GOOD!”

Carlson was expressing outrage at the fact that M&M’s issued a statement today, indicating they were moving away from cartoon mascots, and instead actress and comedian Maya Rudolph would be their news spokesperson.

Mr. Carlson was one of several right-wing pundits and commentators who were outraged last year when M&M’s removed the high heel shoes from the Green M&M. Carlson and others accused M&M’s of trying to de-feminize the character to seem more inclusive to transgender people. Not long after, the National Institute of No Fucking Duh released results of a study that showed not every cisgender woman wears high heels either, which Carlson called “scientific cultural Marxism.”

“Here’s one thing I will promise you, and every American out there: I will never, ever stop sexually fetishizing the M&M’s. In fact,” Carlson said, “I will make you this promise right here and right now — I WILL fuck a bag of M&M’s. Mark my words. I will lube up my trouser ferret and slide it into a bag of M&M’s, live, on-air. I just need to find a fun size bag of M&M’s so my dong will have a nice, tight fit, and then it is on! IT. IS. ON!”

@jamboschlarmbo #TuckerCarlson with his finger on the pulse of America. #MandM #satire #politics #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #politik ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann


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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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