Tucker Carlson Opens Up About Rooting for ‘Those Guys With the Smart Uniforms’ In the Indiana Jones Films

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Last night on his Fox News show, host Tucker Carlson told viewers that whenever he watches Raiders of the Lost Ark or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, he finds himself “enraptured by the story” and always roots for “those guys with the smart uniforms” to win. Carlson said it’s always “depressing as all get out when that idiot with the leather jacket, fedora, and whip” defeats them, though.

“I mean, branding is so important, and those guys with the smart uniforms have some of the most iconic, easily recognized branding in history,” Carlson said. “Their logo is instantly identifiable and any marketing executive worth their salt will tell you that’s what everyone’s dying to get their hands on for their own companies.”

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Carlson said rooting for the guys in uniforms “just comes naturally” to him, because he’s “such a big patriot.”

“I love the military because I’m a conservative Republican,” Carlson explained. “It just comes naturally to me, being such a big patriot, to root for the men in uniform. Sure, I happen to find what the men in uniforms in the Indiana Jones movies are fighting for relatable, but that’s just a coincidence I think.”

It makes it easier for him to root for who are traditionally considered the “bad guys” in Indiana Jones movies knowing that they, too, are right-wing nationalists.

“It’s like I keep telling people, there’s nothing wrong with nationalism. A strong sense of national pride means you’re willing to do what Dear Leader asks of you without question,” Carlson said. “You know, like the Founding Fathers intended? When has nationalism ever been used as an excuse for heinous human behavior and the like, I ask you? Don’t answer now. Just Google it. You’ll see that nationalism really gets a bad rap.”

Carlson barreled on.

“That’s why I root for the nationalists in every movie I watch,” Tucker divulged. “Whether it’s Inglorious Basterds, or The Great Dictator, or my favorite comedy of all time, Schindler’s List, you just have to side with the group of people who are such über-patriots that they proudly declare themselves nationalists and devote themselves to doing whatever it takes to make their country great again! Even if it means purging people who don’t meet their standards. I mean, who are any of us to judge, and isn’t having discerning taste a good thing? That’s what I’d like to ask all my liberal friends.”

It’s not just movies about World War II era conflicts that Tucker enjoys rooting for uniformed men in, however. He told his audience last night his passion for “strong displays of force in the name of crushing dissent” extends even to sci-fi and fantasy films.

“Whenever I watch Star Wars, I gotta root for the Stormtroopers, of course,” Carlson said. “Who wouldn’t want their government to have a weapon that can wipe out millions of voices in a matter of seconds? Over this upcoming weekend, I also plan to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and hopefully this time Sauron and the orcs will win! I just love their uniforms and the cut of their gibs!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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