When one thinks about what masculinity looks like, their thoughts might naturally gravitate to Fox News host Tucker Carlson.

One simply could not be blamed if, during a discussion of the manliness, machismo, and raw, masculine energy it so clearly takes to be a soldier, if they thought of Mr. Carlson. It’s true that Tucker — an heir to the Swanson frozen food empire — has never served a day in the armed forces in his life. However, all one has to do is take one look at this specimen of male dominance and physical prowess to know he’s very obviously the world’s foremost, leading scholar on the subject of military combat.

In fact, Mr. Carlson gave the world all the evidence of his physical stamina, power, and ability when he appeared on a dancing competition show a few years back. Watching this clip will make it obvious to anyone just what kind of truly masculine energy this Alpha Male brings to the table.

Given Tucker’s clear and obvious peak penile physical conditioning and superior, melanin-free DNA, it should come as no surprise that he’d have an opinion about women serving in the military. Granted, Tucker is late to the game because the late Rush Limbaugh harped on the subject for decades. However, this week Tucker put his own, totally fresh spin on the subject, as evidenced in the clip below.

Tucker Carlson accuses Joe Biden of trying to feminize the military, argues China is ramping up it's military masculinity. pic.twitter.com/8lDKEPyws6

— nikki mccann ramírez (@NikkiMcR) March 10, 2021

In response to Tucker’s blistering, expertise-laden takedown of women in combat, the Pentagon has decided to remove all females from combat roles and place them into kitchens stationed at least sixteen miles away from the frontlines.

“Gosh, we never thought about how bad it was for our military to have women serving in it until Tucker raised his concerns,” one source speaking with anonymity told us. “I mean, sure, women have been serving honorably for decades, and have become highly decorated war veterans, but the guy who always looks like he farted and doesn’t know who to blame it on said those boob-havers shouldn’t be there, so by golly, that’s what we’re doing.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.