Tucker Carlson: Dark Meat ‘Doesn’t Belong’ Next to White Meat on His Dinner Plate

When Fox News host Tucker Carlson sits down to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with his entire klan tomorrow, there better not be a single scrap of dark meat on his plate. At least that’s the ultimatum that Mr. Carlson told his audience he gave to his wife.

“The bottom line is simple for me. White meat and dark meat don’t belong mixed up together on the same plate. It’s really for both their own sakes. It’s just God’s natural order, really. Dark meat on one plate, white meat on another, better plate,” Tucker said.

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Carlson slammed Americans who “let the woke meat agenda permeate their dining tables” and put both dark and white meat on their plates. He warned that “communism can only be a few steps away” once people start enjoying both white and dark turkey meat on Thanksgiving. Tucker insisted that “Americans must preserve their rich heritage and culture” of segregating their meats.

“It’s just history, our white-washed, evangelically approved revision of it anyway. Culturally speaking, dark meat doesn’t belong anywhere near white meat. Call me old fashioned, but I believe in meat segregation now, meat segregation tomorrow, meat segregation forever.”

Carlson also announced that he would be having a “black tie and white hood” Thanksgiving party with Kyle Rittenhouse and several members of the Proud Boys.

“Dan Bongino’s laterally lisping, dumb sack of shit ‘fact checker’ Matt Palumbo, you know, the closeted Brony white nationalist fuckstain? He’ll be there making the drinks, because that’s really all he’s good at when he’s not licking Steve Bannon’s dick on his podcast,” Tucker announced.

“It’s going to be an amazing time, really. I can’t wait. But there better not be any goddamn URBAN meat on my plate, or there will be hell to pay, I tell you. Hell. To. Pay.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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