Tucker Carlson Didn’t See any Signs of White Supremacy at Cross Burning

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On last night’s episode of his Fox News television program, Tucker Carlson told his audience that he “just couldn’t see” any signs of white supremacy in video footage of cross burning he watched just before taping.

“This is no different than the so-called white supremacy in the January 6th Antifa-sponsored fake MAGA insurrection,” Carlson insisted. “I watched the tape. I saw people in smart white robes and pointy hoods using their First Amendment rights to push back on the woke culture of speech policing by using fun words I only get to call my golf caddy. And I saw them lighting fun crosses, or maybe they were T’s for Trump.”

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Carlson argued that “if anybody should be able to pick up on racist language,” it’s him.

“Working here at Fox News for so long, I don’t think there’s a single racist joke or epithet I haven’t heard,” Tucker said. “So, I’m pretty sure I can trust my own eyes and ears as to what they’re seeing and hearing. And when I plug my ears and cover my eyes, I don’t see or hear or anything. Checkmate, libs.”

Before signing off for the night, Tucker made a few more observations about what he did or didn’t see that day.

“I gotta say, I watched every Star Wars film last week and didn’t see any evidence of space or lightsabers. I went to Starbucks today and didn’t see any evidence of coffee,” Carlson said. “That was after I went to Ted Cruz’s house and saw no evidence of his collection of dildos named after famous Republicans.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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