Scientists Confirm Truth Still True Even If Russian Hackers Find It

HAMPSTEAD, RHODE ISLAND — Researchers at one of the nation’s top scientific academies have confirmed this morning that truth is still true, no matter where the truth comes from. In particular, they verified that even if a Russian hacker helps expose it, a fact remains truth as long as it is true.

“There has been a big story in the news lately,” Dr. William Williamson told reporters outside the National Institute of Scientific Sciencery early Monday morning, “and a central theme of that big story is that it came from leaked information that may have been obtained by Russian hackers.”

Williamson said that the news story sparked “intense debate” within NISS and so the scientists at the institute began what they assumed would be a long and laborious set of experiments. They were determined to figure out if something that is factual becomes less-truthful or even fictional, depending on where in the world the information came from. Those experiments, Dr. Williamson said, didn’t take nearly as long as they they had initially thought.

“We looked at facts that were sent to us from four different countries, Russia included,” Williamson said, “and no matter which country the data came from, if it was true, it was true. We controlled for as much as we could in terms of cultural differences, but in the end, if something was true, it was scientifically proven to be true, no matter where the information came from.”

One reporter at the press conference asked if NISS had tested to see if politically-relevant truths are rendered false because they come from Russian hackers. Williamson said that they did check a particular subset of truth that pertained only to elections and candidate selection and found that it too was consistent with other forms of the truth.

“The bottom line,” Dr. Williamson said, “is that while we may find the people providing the truth to us to be morally repugnant, truth is truth. Even if we don’t particularly like the country of origin’s government at the moment, if leaked emails show that water is wet, there is no need to jump into a shower to verify that fact.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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