Trump’s Obamacare Replacement Will Be Ready When His New Magic Markers Arrive

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press briefing today, Co-President Donald Trump made a surprise appearance. Trump popped his head into the briefing room while his Press Secretary Melissa McCarthy was giving the usual daily updates to the press and various media outlets. Trump said he wasn’t going to take any questions, but did have a “very yuge, bigly” announcement to make.

“Folks, boy do I have something very special to tell you,” Trump said as he strode to the podium, “and I think you’re really, really going to love it. Just absolutely love it, okay? We’ve finally started working really, really hard on the Obamacare replacement — and remember folks Obamacare is just the worst thing ever. Worser that than Hollow-Costy thing Bannon keeps trying to get me to officially expunge from U.S. History books.”

Mr. Trump said that the final details of his plan to replace the Affordable Care Act have not all come together, but that he is just waiting for some “key materials” to come in via an Amazon Prime shipment, and his administration should have something to present to the American people in the next couple of weeks.

“I need my new magic markers to get here,” Trump said, “so I can really wow you guys with my proposal. I have tons of Elmer’s glue, and glitter, and construction paper for days. But I don’t have any markers I haven’t dried out sniffing all the time, so we had to order me some more. They should get here in two days.”

Trump smiled as he told the press that the American people should “thank him” for the deal he got on the markers.

“Free two day shipping folks,” Trump said, his thumb jabbing toward his chest like a mating baboon, “and I’m told that Amazon has to give you one of these special PrimeTime accounts to get it. So, you know, once again I’m winning and winning bigger than anyone’s ever won.”

When reporters asked why Trump needed markers for his presentation, the alleged billionaire scoffed.

“I like colors, okay? Big colors. Bold colors,” Trump said indignantly, adding, “I like every color, really. Except blacks. I don’t like the blacks. The black magic markers I mean. I have so many of them because I never use them. I’ve never been keen on using blacks unless I absolutely have to.”

The co-president refused to divulge any new details about his Obamacare replacement, but he did say that “no matter what” his plan will be “yugely different” from Obama’s.

“I’m white, for starters,” Trump said, “so let’s just say I take this here copy of Obamacare,” Trump produced a small, compact version of the full-text of the Affordable Care Act from behind the dais. “And let’s just say,” Trump continued, “that I were to just stick it behind my back so my base doesn’t see it anymore. Then, a few weeks later, I bring it back out.”

Trump brought the copy of the ACA out from behind his back. He took a big, red marker from Spicer. Crossing out the title of the law, Trump wrote over it, “TRUMPCARES MORE THAN OBAMA DID.” He smiled ear to ear yet again.

“Now, I present this as my own, literally having not changed a single thing,” Trump said, slamming the newly re-labeled Affordable Care Act on the podium, “and bing-bang-boom, everyone loves it. No one loses coverage, everything stays the same. But you know, it’s got the white guy’s name on it, so biff-bam-boom-toffle-roffle-boo-bo-bee, health care. You’re welcome. No questions. God Bless America, but God bless me a little more.”

No specific timeline was given as to the official unveiling of Trump’s healthcare plan.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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