WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s no secret on the Hill that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has been attempting to secure an interview with President Donald Trump, under oath, and that Trump’s lawyers have been flatly denying his request from the outset.
This week, however, it was learned that an interview between Mueller and Trump might be closer than ever because Rudy Giuliani and Jay Sekulow — Trump’s current attorneys — have finally sent a list of questions they will allow Trump to answer under the penalty of perjury. There’s still no word from Mr. Mueller’s office as to whether they will accept the proposed questions, or if they’ll push back and want to ask more, but a source within the White House who demanded we absolutely not call “John Kelly” has leaked the questions to us nevertheless.
The editorial staff there believes publishing these questions is in the best interests of the nation, and indeed the world. Below are the questions Giluliani and Sekulow have promised Mueller he can ask of Trump, without any interference or further delay on their parts.
Attached hereto, please find the roster of questions our client, Emperor King Orange Daddy Trump, will answer under oath. Any questions not on this list will be ignored, not answered, and could wind up putting you behind bars. As you know, Republicans control all three branches of government right now, and Congress doesn’t seem to care how we behave. So, just fair warning, Mr. Mueller.
Anydoodle, here are the questions you can ask His Royal Highness.
- What’s your name? (As long as you will also accept “David Dennison” as not lying)
- For your most important executive orders — crayons or coloring pencils?
- When you’ve been a good little boy, does Vlad let you have a hamburger or chicken nuggets in your Happy Meal?
- Is your dong of normal shape, size, color, and consistency?
- Who’s your favorite daughter named Ivanka?
- Who’s your least favorite dumb fucking moron son named Donald Jr.?
- Is collusion a crime, especially if you only did it because Vlad said he’d show the whole world how you couldn’t even get it up for his best, pissiest of piss whores?
- Who put the “bop” in the “bop sha-bop-sha-bop?”
- Follow up: Who put the “ram” in the “ramalamadingdong?”
- Did Barack Obama leave the Oval Office smelling of farts, and it’s totally not you that’s been farting non-stop in the big chair behind the Resolute Desk for the last year and a half?
- How amazing are you, really, and don’t be so modest, which is obviously one of your best traits?
- Is perjury even that big a deal though?
- Yanni or Laurel?
- Just how crooked is Crooked Hillary?
- Are you guilty? We will accept any answer you give us as completely true and factual, so don’t worry about it.
At the time of publication, Mr. Mueller’s office has not responded to Trump’s attorneys’ list of proposed questions. This story will be updated when they do.