Trump’s EPA Head Figures Earth Has ‘Had A Good 6,000-Year Run’

CAT SPRINGS, OKLAHOMA — When Donald Trump chose Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt to head the Environmental Protection Agency, those who follow the science of climate change closely were more than a little alarmed. Pruitt is a proud denier of climate change, and has sued the EPA as Attorney General on multiple occasions. Mr. Pruitt is seen as a staunch ally of the fossil fuel industry. In a speech delivered at an Oklahoma oil company’s annual Christmas party, Pruitt tried to lay out his vision for the EPA, and why he feels it’s “time to loosen up the chains of regulation” he says are “choking the life out of” fossil fuel companies.

“Let’s face it,” Pruitt said, “the planet has had a good 6,000 year run. And it’s time to loosen up the chains of regulation. They are choking the life out of these patriotic, good, clean, red-and-white-blue loving, black smoke spewing fossil fuel companies!”

Pruitt told attendees of the Christmas party that he was going to make sure their company, and every other fossil fuel company “feels supported, safe, and secure.” He said that it was a “real bummer” that the Obama administration had been “so defensive of the planet, as if the planet needed HIS help.”

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“How very arrogant of our current administration,” Pruitt said, “to simply take the word of over 90% of the world’s most educated and trained people on the subject. It’s just a real bummer that they decided to be so defensive of the planet, as if the planet needed HIS help, am I right?”

Mr. Pruitt told everyone in the room that the days of “profits not being as important as people” were over, as far as he was concerned.

“What good is clean air,” Pruitt asked, “if an oil company CEO can’t afford his fifth home? What good is drinkable, fresh water, if a junior executive at a coal company can’t take his wife on their fourth international vacation of the year? These are the times that try men’s souls.”

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Perhaps in an attempt to assuage the fears of the environmentally-conscious, Pruitt said he’d work closely with NASA to develop ways to predict when the earth’s climate was truly too dangerously warm to sustain life, and he would work with President-Elect Trump to develop contingency plans.

“The bottom line is that once this planet is inhospitable,” Pruitt said, “we will find a way to escape. I mean, not everyone, of course. Just the super-wealthy people who’ve fattened their wallets by killing the planet will have enough money to afford to get off the planet, once we’ve killed it.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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