Trump’s Doctor Worried When Physical Reveals No Human Heart Or Brain

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Traditionally, American presidents as far back as the 1970’s have submitted to an annual physical exam.

Roughly half of the men who have served in the country’s highest office have had one major malady or another. President Grover Cleveland had secret oral cancer surgery, while President Woodrow Wilson had a debilitating stroke that left him unable to do his duties, leaving his wife, the First Lady, to carry them out until his term ended. Whether or how much the public cares about a president’s physical fitness is up for debate, but today President Donald Trump joined the ranks of commanders in chief that have submitted to a health exam at Walter Reed Memorial Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.

Mr. Trump’s physical was performed by Dr. Ronny Jackson, the White House physician. Shortly after Dr. Jackson concluded his examination of President Trump, he spoke to reporters who were camped out in front of his office. During the brief interaction with the media, Dr. Jackson elucidated a couple of “areas of major concern” Trump’s examination stirred in him.

“Overall, the president’s health examination went as one would expect for a man who does almost no exercise and eats like a stoned teenager,” Dr. Jackson said. “Which is to say we’re pretty sure the grease is the only thing keeping him alive. But I have to admit I was a little shocked when our scans and tests couldn’t find any trace of a human heart or brain.”

Jackson says that in preparation for his examination of Trump he read all of the president’s tweets for a two month period. That gave him insight into what to expect, he says. However, doing the actual exam left Jackson “shocked and dismayed” at just how little humanity medical science can detect in the commander in chief.

“He finds Nazis to be good people and calls every Mexican a rapist or drug dealer,” Jackson said. “So I didn’t expect to find a very well functioning heart. I was also expecting lower than normal brain functionality given Mr. Trump’s propensity for saying truly stupid things. However, I’m not exactly sure what all is ticking inside that man besides farts and racism at this point.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said it’s “sad” and “unfortunate” that Trump’s medical results show a lack of humanity or human decency. However, he said that’s not enough for him to criticize the president.

“Look, I need him right now to help me kill the middle class,” Ryan said. “Once that’s done, get back to me and I’ll probably have slightly harsher words for him. But don’t expect any action. He’s a Republican, I’m a Republican. You get it.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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