CLEVELAND, OHIO — Turmoil within the Republican Party is nothing new in the last year. Since alleged billionaire and confirmed shart in a suit Donald J. Trump announced his candidacy, the establishment wing of the GOP has fought with the Trump wing, and the results have been a civil war within the party. But according to new reports, some of the internal struggle within the party has been assuaged as the keynote speaker for next week’s Republican National Convention has been settled on by both the Trump acolytes and the establishment wing.
The 2016 Republican keynote address will be delivered by a Grand Wizard Henry McMillan of Hobart, Tennessee. McMillian will address the audience in both his klan robes and a tinfoil hat, sources say, in order to put the Republican voters at ease.
“We want our base to know we hear them loud and clear,” Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters at an early morning press conference, “so we asked Mr. McMillan to deliver the keynote speech this year. He represents the perfect cross-section of white supremacy and right-wing conspiracy theorists that we’re hoping Donald Trump’s candidacy will capitalize on, and take us into the White House for the first time in nearly a decade.”
McMillan, a twenty-year veteran of the Ku Klux Klan, told reporters outside his single-wide trailer home Thursday morning that he was going to center his speech around the topics of “Benghazi, uppity blacks and gays, and making head wear out of lightweight metals you can find in your local grocery store.”
“The most important topics facing this once-great nation are in this order — Benghazi, Benghazi, and of course Benghazi. So I will hit those very hard,” McMillian told the press, “but since I have to fill 15 minutes of talking time, I will of course get into why libtards are ruining this country by trying to give gays and minorities the same rights we good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing patriots have had forever. And of course if there’s time, I’ll teach everyone how to create a hat out of tinfoil that will let you tap into the NSA’s secret computer banks and download all the hidden information about Benghazi directly into your brain.”
Also scheduled to speak at the convention are alleged NFL-caliber quarterback Tim Tebow and all four Trump children, in order of who their father wants to bang the most.