Trump’s New Budget Would Slash Costs By Cutting Poor People

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump/Bannon Co-Presidential Administration has released its first budget proposal, and it’s turning quite a few heads on the Hill already. Slashing programs and agencies, the budget has been roundly criticized by Democrats, but also some Republicans as well. While there are cuts made to things like the National Endowment for the Arts and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the Pentagon would tens of billions of dollars more.

Co-President Trump, speaking to reporters from alt-right websites from the Oval Office, explained one provision in the budget that is getting quite a bit of extra scrutiny.

“We were gonna cut the programs,” Trump said, “but then we looked at the math and we figured out we could also just cut the people.”

Mr. Trump said that his budget will “drastically reduce” the number of poor people by simply not budgeting for them. If they aren’t budgeted, Trump says, they can’t exist, which means a many benefits for Americans, but some Americans in particular, Trump explained.

“Such as there being a lot more elbow room for rich people,” Trump told reporters, “and airlines can finally just make the whole plane First Class. Lots of money to be made that way, folks, believe me.”

Trump said with all the poor people gone, taxes can be cut completely, and ultimately the federal government can just “wind down.”

“Ask yourself this, everyone,” Trump said, “wasn’t the country better off under the Articles of Confederation? Did we really make our country better after the Civil War? Do the 13th, 14th, or 15th Amendments create a single job? Of course they don’t. So let’s just wipe it all out. Start fresh. No New Deal. Hell, no deals at all, unless I make them, and of course I’m the best at them.”

Trump says he has thought of some down sides to not having poor people around.

“Technically we’re a consumer based economy,” Co-President Trump admitted, “so getting rid of the consumers seems shortsighted. But let me tell you, I think the trade off of just having so fewer plebs around to take care of will really make America great, finally.”

The co-president says he understands that he doesn’t have the final say in the adopted budget, “yet.” But he’s hoping that he has some allies in Congress that can guide his budget through.

“I know Paul Ryan has been dying to gut the social safety net for years,” Trump said, “so it’s really just a minor step forward from his plans to just completely eliminate poor people in general. I’ll get Lyin’ Ted Cruz to go along with it by telling him Christians are actually supposed to hate the poor and screw them over, no matter what that Jesus fuck says.”

Donald Trump was elected with the largest losing margin in the popular vote ever, and his margin of victory in key swing states was less than 100,000 votes on aggregate.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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