CLUB HOUSE, TRUMP NATIONAL GOLF COURSE — The White House medical staff has confirmed at the time of publication that President Donald Trump is resting in the clubhouse of his Trump National Golf Course in New Jersey after his long dormant bone spurs flared up on the links. The bone spurs, which were part of five deferments that President Trump received from the draft during the Vietnam War, began to ache and throb, sources say, as Trump was blasting Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) on Twitter.
“President Trump was rushed off twelfth tee box today,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieu, Deputy White House Doctor, told the press outside the club house of the golf course, “with acute bone spur pain. What concerns us is that Mr. Trump didn’t complain about the spurs from the time they got him out of serving in the Vietnam War until now.”
Hornaydieu said that the bone spurs in Trump’s heels were “wonders of modern medicine.
“They’re not there, then they’re there, then they’re not there again,” Dr. Hornaydieu said, “and we were starting to think it was a case of serendipitous bone spurs, a rare condition where they only appear when it’s beneficial for them to be present. Like, say, when you’re trying to get out of serving in a war, something like that.
According to Dr. Hornaydieu and his staff, Trump’s heel spurs were fine when he stepped into the tee box on hole number twelve. Suddenly, Hornaydieu says, the president wanted to tweet. He began barking angrily for his Blackberry. Stephen Miller, top Trump adviser and the administration’s top Nazi vampire, brought the president’s smart phone to him.
“Thank you, Stephen,” Trump said, tossing a amputated human hand into Miller’s awaiting maw, “Now, let’s see…What to say about that jerk face Dick Blumenthal.”
Trump scratched his third chin for about five minutes. Then he moved onto his rather voluminous buttocks, and scratched it for another five minutes. When he complained that he had “writer’s block,” an aide appeared with a hose attached to his own buttocks. Another aide put the rectal hose up to Trump’s ear, and the first aide blasted a fart through the tube into Trump’s head.
“Got it,” Trump exclaimed, “I got the tweet!”
The president began moving his fingers over his Blackberry. Witnesses would later say it looked like “a bunch of tiny, orange hot dogs” tapping away. Trump was furious that Senator Blumenthal had been talking about Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump campaign and its possible collusion with Russia.
“Bingo! Suck on that one, Dick,” Trump yelped as he tweeted.
Interesting to watch Senator Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut talking about hoax Russian collusion when he was a phony Vietnam con artist!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 7, 2017
Soon after that tweet was sent, though, things took a turn.
“Ouch! Ouchie! Owie! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie,” Trump shouted.
President Trump began tenderly and gingerly moving his feet around. He seemed to be in true agony. Doctors rushed to his side and asked him what was wrong.
“My bone spurs,” Trump said, “they just started hurting again after decades of not hurting at all, or really even being seen by any doctor who I visited in forty or more years. It’s like, I tweeted that Blumenthal was a liar about his Vietnam service and the next thing I – OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”
Every time Trump mentioned Blumenthal and Vietnam, he screeched and bellowed in pain. Emergency medical staff was able to pry Trump’s phone from his hands, but he kept talking about Blumenthal and Vietnam, which would increase the pain he felt in his heel spurs. After several more intense moments, doctors were finally able to wrestle Trump to the ground, knock him out with a rag soaked in ether, and get him to the club house.
This story is developing.