Trumper: “Immigrants Should Support Themselves or Marry a Conman and Pretend to Like F**king Him Like Melania”

COLD CAVE, HILLS TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster, YouTube star, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins told his audience today that he is “sick and tired” of the criticisms President Donald Trump has been receiving for the recent change in policy toward green card holders. This week, the White House announced that it would be clamping down on green card holders who are receiving publicly funded assistance. Many have seen the move as a spiteful, anti-immigrant policy because it doesn’t even target the group Trump has been most keen on bashing — illegal immigrants — and rather it is focused on further humiliating and delegitimizing immigrants in general.

Bohiggins calls those criticisms “liberal, social Marxist bullcrap.”

“First of off, it’s extremely racist to imply that brown people simply cannot get by without government help. Now, I know that’s not what they said, and I know that more white folks is on the welfares than blacks, but that’s not the point, fam,” Bohiggins ranted. “The point is that we ain’t anti-immigrant just because we believe that every one of them is a mooching sponger which is different than when we mooch and sponge! What kinda crazy talk is that, anyhow?”

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Jethro proclaimed that “immigrants should pull themselves up by their bootstraps” if they want to “get a piece of that American dream.” 

“I’ve said it all along, immigrants are a drain on society that are stealing all our jobs and simultaneously not working and taking all our welfares! It’s simple logic, fam,” Jethro said pointedly. “Simple MF logic.”

If immigrants are willing to work “the menial, horrible jobs good, clean, ammo hoarding, natural, white patriots don’t want,” Jethro says they’ll “learn what hard work is about.”
“It’s like I was telling my cousin the other day when she and I were taking a break from making out,” Jethro said, “a good day’s work is good for everybody. And as soon as I get a job myself, I feel like I’ll know that for even more sure, know what I mean?”

Mr. Bohiggins, pausing in his rant for a moment to light a cigarette, said that he’s “not unreasonable” and he thinks there’s another way for immigrants to pull their own weight.

“Look, I ain’t racist; I’m xenophobic if anything. But the point is really very simple, fam,” Bohiggins explained, “Immigrants should support themselves or marry a conman and pretend to like fucking him like Melania did. And hey, before you say somethin’, it seems to have worked out real nice for her. Second Lady and all. As soon as Ivanka’s out of the picture, she’s First Lady!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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