Trumper Confused Where Paddock Got His Guns From Since Obama Took Them All

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell is absolutely, positively outraged by the events in Las Vegas over the weekend. Mr. O’Connell hosts a popular right-wing podcast called Biased In All The Right Ways, and runs a Facebook page of a similar name. He told his latest podcast episode’s audience that finding out Stephen Paddock, the gunman in the deadliest mass shooting on American soil, had about a dozen firearms in his Mandalay Bay bedroom that he shot at people from, that he became “incensed and more than a little confused.”

“I mean, we all know that Obama took away every law abiding citizen’s guns,” Clem said, “at least from the sheeple. That Kenyan communist and sharia lovin’ socialist didn’t take any of my precious liberty lobbers, but I thought I was one of maybe a handful of people who escaped the pilfering fingers of that evil man’s gun grabbing!”

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Clem insists that from the reports he got all throughout the Obama years, he was under the impression that there were at most “six or seven people left with their guns” in America. By the time Obama left office this past January, O’Connell said, the news outlets he uses told him that there were probably no more than a hundred million guns or so left in the hands of the general public. That number, Clem says, is “frighteningly small.”

“Can you imagine an America where there are just a hundred million guns spread out over a dozen or so people,” Clem asked rhetorically, “Because that’s only like a hundred thousand guns apiece. In what world does freedom mean limiting gun ownership to a hundred thousand individual sweet, beautiful, precious, benign pew-pews?”

O’Connell shared some theories with his audience as to where he thinks Paddock obtained his guns.

“Well, I have a theory that he probably got them from some libtarded state with extra tight gun laws,” Clem said, “or maybe a city like Chicago, which of course libcucks will never talk about. Because there’s just no way that I’ll ever believe, no matter how many statistics you put in front of me, that more mass shootings happen in states with looser gun laws. Even if that were true, it would only be because they get their guns from places where it’s harder to get guns. See how that works? Of course you do, fam.”

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Clem also shared his own ideas for how to curb mass shootings and gun violence.

“Not less guns, more guns,” Clem said, “Just like when you’re already drowning in the ocean, what you need most to survive is another bucket of water dumped on your head…repeatedly…until you drown under the weight of all the buckets of water, surrounded by water. Just like that. Damn I’m smart as fuck, aren’t I, fam?”

Ultimately, Clem says he’s just not sure how Paddock got his cache built up.

“I mean, Obama was the most anti-gun president ever,” Clem said, “but yet here we are, just a few months after he left office, and some lunatic has all those guns? How does that happen in America, anyway? Welp, time to go to the range. It’s NRA members day, fam!”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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