VALLE DE CHINGADO ESTUPIDO, CALIFORNIA — 55-year-old Shaun Allen was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. Despite living in the deep blue state of California, Allen is a lifelong Republican, but he did sign up for health insurance through his state’s exchange under the Affordable Care Act, however that was only because he said was “tricked into thinking Obamacare and the ACA were different things.”
“If I had known that secret Kenyan communist was behind the Affordable Care Act,” Shaun told us, “I’d have never gotten insurance, and over the last six years, I’d have either not ever gone to the doctor, or I would have paid through the ass for shitty service, AS IS MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN!”
Allen will lose a key subsidy that helps him afford his health insurance, now that President Trump has announced his administration does not believe the subsidy payments are legal, and will not pay them. But while some might think that would make Allen worried, as he is facing cancer, he says that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
“Look, I know that me dying is gonna suck,” Allen told us, “but I will go out with a smile. And you know what? My last words are already picked out. At least Obamacare died too. I’m gonna say that with my final, dying, partisan breath.”
Mr. Allen says that he would “like a little more time” with his family and that “it seems like paying taxes for things like medicine and not war might work out okay too,” he is steadfastly sure that asking the rich to pay more in taxes is the wrong way to go about getting more people access to healthcare.
“Why should some rich guy pay for my medicine just because he’s already hiding billions of dollars from the rest of us in offshore accounts,” Allen said, “while all of us keep the machine he takes advantage of to stay so rich humming? Why should rich people pay more taxes just because they have more money and can afford it? Don’t they have a right to be buried with that money instead of it being used to make life better for more people?”
Shaun says he plans to go to his grave believing in “two very real, very important truths.”
“All taxes are theft,” Shaun said, “and Barack Obama was a secret transgender alien robot built and designed by George Soros to America down from within. As long as I draw my last, futile breath in a country where half of us worship the rich despite being told by our supposed Lord and Savior to do the complete opposite, but I’m drawing it with the knowledge that Obamacare is dying too, I’m good.”
This satire first appeared on Alternative Facts.