Local Republican Loves Trumpcare Because It’s A ‘Free Market Death Panel’

HOBART, ARKANSAS — When Clem O’Connell got word that the Republican Party had released the details of its highly-anticipated Obamacare replacement bill, he says he was “ecstatic to the point of pre-cum.” This week, Republicans on the Hill revealed their replacement for Obamacare, called the “American Healthcare Act of 2017,” and it has received criticism from both liberals and conservatives, for differing reasons, but when it goes up for a vote in the House tomorrow, it is very unclear if the nascent bill will pass.

“The Congressional budget office says that people will see their premiums decrease over time,” O’Connell told his right-wing podcast audience this week, “which is fantastic. More competition is the most important thing. And then you get to the part where 24 million people could lose their insurance, and that just gets me ecstatic to the point of pre-cum. That’s how excited I am that the American people will no longer have to help 24 million poor and older people get medicine to live.”

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Clem rejects the notion that healthcare is a human right. In his estimation, he told his podcast audience, the only rights that should be considered legitimate are mentioned specifically in the Constitution, and only when it was written.

“We can’t have people just getting healthcare because they need it,” Clem shouted, “What kind of crazy talk is that? The Constitution was perfect as written. It had one of the best, most cherished legal compromises ever in it, and it was so bone simple even we Republicans could understand it. If blacks wanted to be free, they should’ve petitioned the government…that considered them like chairs or dishes…and waited the appropriate time, and taken the appropriate legal steps to do it proper-like.”

O’Connell says he believes that “market forces should decide literally anything and everything.” He said there’s nothing that can’t be “figured out” by first “getting to the bottom of what’s most profitable.” Clem said he believes his lord and savior, Jesus Christ, would “totally agree” with him, too.

“So to me, if someone gets sick, loses their job,” Clem explained, “and can’t afford their insurance for a couple months and then gets hit with a 30% premium increase on top of everything else and they die? That’s just a free market death panel solution right there, libtards!”

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Ultimately, Clem says that he may not like everything in the bill, but that there is plenty for him to buy into.

“What I like is that old people and sick people will just die off when they can’t afford care,” O’Connel said, adding, “That seems not only very Christian to me, but extremely principled and humanitarian. A death panel is terrible if it’s done under socialism, but under the guise of capitalism? That’s America, libtards. That’s America.”

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