Trump: “Oh Do Excuse Me, I’ve Been Meaning To Say ‘Yes Collusion!'”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sudden about-face from months of public denials, President Donald Trump reversed his previously stated position and said that, in fact, there was collusion between his party and the Kremlin during the 2016 presidential nomination.

Mr. Trump was likely motivated to reverse his position because of a bombshell CNN report that his former attorney, Michael Cohen, is prepared to testify before FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller that Trump’s son Donald Jr. made the president aware of his clandestine Trump Tower meeting with Russian operatives. The meeting has long been considered a key moment in the entire saga. More than a dozen intelligence agencies have concluded the Kremlin was actively taking measures to undermine the election, and the meeting at Trump Tower between the junior Trump, his brother-in-law Jared Kushner, and key Kremlin and Trump campaign officials seems to gain more importance as the weeks go by.

This morning Trump tweeted attacks on CNN’s report, Mr. Cohen, and Mueller’s investigation while denying that he knew about the meeting, despite admitting on the public record that he helped his son craft misleading statements about the meeting in 2017, when The New York Times discovered emails of Don Jr.’s regarding the rendezvous. Trump’s son released the emails hours ahead of the Times story, but the controversy over the meeting has never gone away completely.

Trump Calls Michael Cohen, Tapes, Putin, Russia, Election, Crooked Hillary, Electoral College, His Presidency ‘Fake News’

“Okay, so, I know I’ve been saying ‘NO COLLUSION’ all over the place,” Trump said in the Oval Office this morning after a press event touting last quarter’s GDP growth. “But, oh, do excuse me, I’ve been meaning to say ‘yes collusion!'”

Trump said it was a simple mistake.

“It was a simple mistake. I get confused a lot, you understand,” Trump said. “Yes is no, no is yes. Republicans screamed for years about Russia and then helped Russia elect our next president. I said no collusion when there was, like, shit loads of collusion, you get it. Strange times folks.”

Reached for comment, retiring Broflake of the House Paul Ryan (R-Spineless Coward Town) said he was “personally outraged but politically apathetic.”

“I mean, I want to care. I really do. It’s just that he’s a Republican, I’m a Republican,” Ryan said. “He’s helping us destroy the middle class, I’m helping us destroy the middle class. So you see, by my way of thinking, Vlad Putin is helping our agenda too, so that means he must be on our side. Therefore, collusion is prolly just fine guys, I don’t know, I just wanna smash weights, listen to Nickelback and jerk off to Ayn Rand manuscripts, okay, buds?”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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