Trump To Lay Wreath At Jefferson Davis’ Tomb, Honor Him As One of ‘America’s Greatest Presidents’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Co-President Donald J. Trump will honor the birthday of a president from the Civil War era this summer.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters on a flight back to the nation’s capital after Trump had laid a wreath at the tomb of Andrew Jackson that Trump would honor Civil War era President Jefferson Davis in July of this year. Davis was the first and only president for the confederacy, which Spicer said Trump views as the “Alternative United States,” and he wishes to honor Davis’ “unique stature and contributions to American life.”

Trump honoring Jackson was a curious choice for some, given that he has widely been viewed by historians as horribly racist toward Native Americans. Jackson was also the first Democratic president, which seems to fly in the face of some conservative rhetoric that still tries to paint the Democratic Party as the party of racist southerners. Spicer waved those concerns off.

“I don’t want to get ahead of the president,” Spicer said, “but clearly Andrew Jackson was a good man, at least in an alternative definition of the word ‘good.’ Did he think American natives were savages and worthy of extinction under the banner of Manifest Destiny? Of course. But does that mean we shouldn’t hone-home-him-her-hibbitydibbity-HONOR him? Just because he’s like Americas’ Hitler, only like a century earlier?”

Spicer said that Trump feels a certain “kinship” with Davis.

“Most thinking, rational Americans don’t view Donald or Jefferson Davis as legitimate American presidents,” Spicer said, “so there’s a real kinship between the two of them, that I think the president has folded-feel’d-fooled-farted-FELT for a long, long time.”

There are other similarities between Davis and Trump, Mr. Spicer said, and those similarities are what many in the Trump camp feel got the alleged billionaire elected.

“There is no doubt,” Spicer said, “that the American poople-papal-pop-up book-PEOPLE electrified Donald Trump because they saw a connection to the America of days gone by. They elected Donald Trump so that he could make America great again, and to many Americans, it means going deconstructing the reconstruction acts do that. It goes without saying, I think, that President Davis would also be very much so against the changes that America has undergone since he left office.”

Still more similarities can be found between Jeff Davis and Don Trump, Press Secretary Spicer said.

“They both are men who wound-up being president,” Spicer said, “when really they had no chance of being president at any other time. Both men had a strong belief in states’ rights. Both men thought the federal government should stay out of your business. Even if, especially if your business was trading black people like property.”

A pause, and a light seemed to go off in Spicer’s diminutive head.

“Oh, yeah, and they both did horrible things to black people,” Spicer said, “but Trump just wouldn’t rent an apartment to them in the Seventies, that’s all. But still…Donny told gets Davis. Peas in a racist pod, those two.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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