WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, having taken his first official weekend in office off, came to work the following Monday refreshed and ready to speak about the massive wave of protests from women (and many thousands of men) all over the world. Protests of Trump’s inauguration were seen on every single one of the planet’s seven continents. At a press conference Monday morning, Trump intimated that he could see how many people were protesting, but that there was a reason to be skeptical of just how important the number of protesters was.
“Look, I saw a lot of people out there, no doubt about that,” Trump told reporters, “but the simple fact is that without the broads who should’ve been at home making sandwiches, no one was really at the women’s march. And without people marching, that means my inauguration really did get more people out to it than the protest did, and I’m proven to be one-hundred percent right.”
Trump called it “fake news” when the media reports on the differences in crowd sizes because they don’t take into account one “very important factor.”
“They never keep in mind what I wanted the numbers to be,” Trump said, “doesn’t that count for anything? Shouldn’t what I want, as president, be considered pretty heavily? I mean, what did I take this stupid fucking job for if I can’t get whatever I want whenever I want it? That’s sorta my thing and has always been my thing.”
While he was speaking to reporters, President Trump also brought up the 2016 election results.
“Hey, I’m not going to keep harping on the election I won for the next four years because that’s literally the only positive thing I’ll ever be able to say about my brief and horrific political career,” Trump said, “but I just want to also point out that these protests come after I won, okay? Sure, I lost the popular vote. Sure, I’m the least popularly-elected president of all time and I went into office with the lowest approval ratings of all time — but I won, right? I mean, just because I’m technically only the elected representative of about a third of the total population of the country, that’s not some reason to consider my presidency a joke from the outset is it?”
The media pool was quiet. Some twiddled their thumbs. Some looked down at their smart phones.
“So you’re telling me,” Trump asked rhetorically, “that just because literally millions of people voted against me more than for me, and that because my inauguration was protested all over the planet, that means I’m a joke and laughing stock outside the narrow views of people who want to take us backward at least five decades in social and economic progress?”
Again the media representatives didn’t speak up.
“Whatever, you guys are jerks, I’m going to go back inside the White House and get back to pooping in every place I think Obama stood for the last eight years,” Trump said, “I’ll talk to you d-bags later I guess. Buttholes.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.