WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the inner circle of Co-President Donald Trump are telling various media outlets that the alleged billionaire, currently under an FBI investigation into any ties between his presidential campaign and Russian operatives, is in a bad mood these days. Aides are saying Trump’s temper has become even shorter since FBI Director James Comey announced the investigation during his testimony in front of the House Intelligence Committee. But if Comey’s comments left Trump perturbed, sources say the uproar over his now clearly baseless accusations that President Barack Obama ordered a wiretapping of Trump Tower and the Bannon/Trump presidential campaign.
Aides say that Trump is feeling a bit sheepish this week, feeling like he was lied to or led down the wrong path by some people close to him. He is telling people behind closed doors, staffers say, that he needs to do something to make sure he gets “only the most reliable conspiracy theories” related to him. Not having evidence is okay, he argues, as long as what he “pulls wildly out of [his] super tight and not at all flappy asshole” wind-up being “semi-true-ish.”
As a result of the “embarrassment” one staffer said Trump felt while watching Comey’s testimony alongside NSA Director Admiral Mike Rodgers, Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow, demanding that the White House’s West Wing be outfitted with tinfoil curtains.
“Obviously our reception is shitty in this stupid piece of shit house,” Trump reportedly bellowed at Kellyanne Conway, “and we need to boost it. Let’s put all new tinfoil up over the windows. That ought to block out the government intrusion rays.”
Conway reminded Trump he is, technically, the government, and would be in theory able to halt the transmission of the interference rays, if they existed.
“Well that’s the fucking thing Kellyanne,” Trump barked, “I can’t leave the house right now because the chemtrail index on InfoWars today says we’re at near 9/11 levels! No, I’m sorry, we have to get tinfoil up over these windows, pronto-like.”
Funding for the new tinfoil that will cover the West Wing windows will come from the “obvious places,” Trump staffers say he told them.
“You know,” Trump said, “like Meals on Wheels, Medicaid, welfare, education…things that don’t help anyone. Well, to be fair they don’t help anyone we care about.”
Mr. Trump is concerned that the greater-D.C. area might not have enough tinfoil on hand to cover the West Wing windows and make new helmets, which he said are an “absolute necessity” to combat against the “deep state actors that Kenyan Communist embedded in [his] royal court.” If there isn’t enough foil for both the helmets and the windows, Trump says he has a backup plan.
“All good leaders have more than one plan,” Trump said, “and many people tell me — once they cash my check — I’m the best leader they’ve ever worked with. So say we can’t get enough tinfoil to cover the windows and make the helmets we need, that’s not a big whoop. We can just start throwing staffers in the lake to see if they float. Obviously we can’t trust them if they are witches, so if they float, we know we can’t trust them, if they sink, we know they were not witches and we could trust what they told us, if we hadn’t just drowned them.”
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