Trump Will Give State of the Union From McDonald’s Parking Lot

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) wielded the power her title affords her and rescinded the invitation to President Donald Trump for his 2019 State of the Union address.

The Constitution merely states that the president is obliged to “ from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.” There is nothing in the text of the document that states how or when the State of the Union is to be delivered. On occasion, presidents have simply sent a letter to Congress outlining the state of the union, instead of delivering an address right to Congress. The bottom line is that the address is by invitation of the Speaker, and Pelosi is leveraging that fact in her shutdown fight with the president.

Today, in the Oval Office, President Trump announced that his 2019 State of the Union address would still be delivered, and that he was personally ensuring television cameras would be there for it.

“We’re going to do it from the McDonald’s parking lot,” Trump said, “because everyone knows how much I love McDonald’s. The shakes, the fries, the hamberders. It’s all so yummy. And I’m pretty sure their spokesclown is named after me, Ronald McDonaldTrump, I think his name is. Pretty sure that’s his name. That’s what I call him and force my staff to call him and force my daughter to call me when we’re in the Lincoln bedroom.”

MORE: McDonald’s Debuted New ‘Big Muck’ Hamberders At Clemson White House Dinner

Mr. Trump recently made headlines when he attempted to Pelosi up and still host the college football national champions from Clemson University. Trump served the elite college athletes a buffet of fast food, most notably from McDonald’s. It was during that dinner that Trump got the idea to deliver the State of the Union from the same McDonald’s parking lot from where he claims he personally paid for the Clemson dinner. Trump said that a partnership with McDonald’s is “completely logical,” which was marked by historians as the first time anything completely truthful came out of his mouth.

“I wrote a very strongly worded letter with my favorite orange Crayola crown to Nancy demanding that she let me give my State of the Union email address whenever I want,” Trump said, “and that uppity B had the balls to tell me she runs one half of a coequal branch of government, that it’s up to her when to extend the invite, and that it’s all in some bullshit document I’ve never heard of called ‘The Constal-Too-Chin’ or whatever. FAKE NEWS.”

Trump explained why he wanted to move the address to the McDonald’s parking lot.

“Because it’s like having home field advantage,” Trump said. “Only way to make it better? Give it on the steps of the Confederate Capital. BOOM!”

Apparently, Mr. Trump briefly considered other alternate venues for his speech.

“At first I was gonna do it in a KFC parking lot, but I changed my mind and thought maybe Berder King, but in the end I went with my one true, first love,” Trump said. “No! Not Ivanka. She’s my one true first lust. Big difference. Anywhore, Mickey-Dees is my jam! And now, speaking of which, if you’ll excuse me.”

Trump pulled a tray of Big Macs out from underneath the Resolute Desk. Flipping over the tray, Trump unwrapped them all, chopped them up with a credit card he stole from a single mother’s purse while at WalMart, and then proceeded to snort them all in one, big, line.

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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