NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Speaking to reporters outside his Trump Tower apartment building, President-Elect Donald Trump announced that within the first hundred days of his new administration’s tenure, he will send a bill to Congress that would mandate he be allowed to take his fortune with him once he dies.
“Look, I’m not saying I’m even mortal, okay,” Trump said, “because when you’re so fantastically successful like me, normal rules just don’t apply to you. So I’m not even sure I’m capable of dying, but if I am, I’d really like the peace of mind knowing that when I get down there, my money will be waiting for me.”
The bill, if passed by both chambers of Congress and signed by Trump into law, would mandate that “any and all caretakers of the After Life” allow Mr. Trump to transfer his alleged billions of dollars in wealth to a suitable, tax-sheltered account “on the other side.”
“The next four years are going to be very, very good for us,” Trump told reporters, “and by us I of course mean the Trump family. We’re going to be making so many sweet business deals now that I’m going to be president, and I’m really scared that when I die — again, really if I die — I won’t get to take any of it with me. That seems to unfairly punish the rich.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) would later tell media outlets he’d be “pleased as peach pie” to push Trump’s bill through the Senate.
“Well, for starters he’s a Republican,” McConnell said, “and I’m programmed to do whatever Republican presidents ask. But more importantly, it’s something that helps rich people, and as a Republican, I treat every American equally. I just treat rich people a little more equally, you understand.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he doesn’t “really care” about the bill as long as “Mein Trump is still on board with privatizing the entire government” like he has discussed with the former reality-TV star on many occasions.
“Well, as an American I’m once again outraged by what’s coming from the Trump people,” incoming Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told reporters at a D.C. fundraiser last night, “but as a Democrat, I am well-aware of my innate allergies to doing anything but rolling over. Also, maybe there’s something in it for me, so I shouldn’t be too hasty to say I won’t work with them on it, know what I mean?”
Mr. Trump ended the press conference by reminding everyone that even though he lost the popular vote, he’d have won it if “we kicked California, Washington, Oregon, Colorado, New York, and Nevada out of the country.”
“So really,” Trump said, “pretty much I won the popular vote that way, know what I mean? Of course you do. Now, LOOK OVER THERE!” Trump waved at a shiny metal object in the distance. By the time the reporters had a chance to look at it and then look back to Mr. Trump, he had vanished in an orange, sulfurous cloud that left a distinct odor and trail of diarrhea behind.
This is a developing story.
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