Trump Claims 100 Million Children Attended His White House Easter Egg Roll

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump hosted his very first White House Easter Egg Roll, the day after Easter, and he is now convinced aides say that he had the largest gathering of people to attend that event in its history. The Easter Egg Roll has been a tradition in the nation’s capital since 1870, and though many noted that Trump’s crowd size seemed much lower than previous years, the president himself told his staff he “clearly saw at least 100 million kids out there.”

“The purse-puss-pout-pumice-PRESIDENT believes that he counted a hundred million young patriots out on the lawn today,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters at a press briefing, “and we’re going to let that statement speak for itself.”

Asked if the White House could provide any validation or proof in the form of ticket sales or anything else concrete to back up Trump’s claim. Spicer stammered, sputtered, and told the reporter who asked the question he was a “rude little boy who needs a timeout.”

“Look, clearly the president saw an alternative total of kids out there today,” Kellyanne Conway told Fox News later in the day, “and Democrats are going to have to accept that. Our president is a strong, business-savvy chelovek. Putin wouldn’t have elected him if he’d thought he couldn’t count to a hundred million.”

Later, as he was leaving the White House to go to McDonald’s, President Trump doubled-down on his claim, and also seemed to indicate he believes that there was a conspiracy to keep people from attending his Easter Egg Roll.

“Well, despite the fact that the FAKE NEWS wouldn’t report it,” Trump said, “I heard from people that President Obummer tried to work his Sharia Voodoo on the Easter Egg hunt, but luckily we installed the combination chemtrail eradicator and Sharia spell disenchanter last week. So we were safe, and the hundreds and millions of people who came here this morning were able to attend the most popular Easter Egg roll, I’m told, since 1528 when President Eisenhower hosted it.”

Trump told reporters that if they don’t take his word for it, he is prepared to demand a full congressional investigation into the Easter Egg Roll’s crowd size.

“Ivanka always tells me how big my crowds are,” Trump said, “she’s always so good at making everything of mine seem so much bigger. Anyway, if you fucks in the FAKE NEWS don’t accurately report this, I will tell Congress to do my bidding — which they are required to do under the Constitution no matter how much they claim they are my equal; no one is my equal — and launch a full Benghazi into the attendance today.”

Spicer would later explain that “Benghazi” is the Republican word for “investigation.” Donald Trump won the presidency last year with the biggest margin of defeat in the popular vote in U.S. History. His Electoral College win, despite claims, was not large by comparisons to others, and in fact had less than 100,000 votes in keys wing states gone another way, he would not have won at all.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

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