Trump Wants Voter Fraud Investigation Because Even He Doesn’t Believe So Many People Were Dumb Enough To Vote For Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump announced via Twitter that he would be “asking for a major investigation into voter fraud.”

Since winning the election last year, Trump has been plagued by the fact he lost the popular vote. The United States uses an old, antidemocratic mechanism called the Electoral College to ensure that something as dangerous as direct democracy — which is practiced in America at the local level and when voting for U.S. Senators — doesn’t choose the wrong person for the job. President Trump has lashed out at the media several times for covering the fact that he lost the popular vote in historic margins to Hillary Clinton, and that when all told, his opponents amassed ten million more votes than he did.

Trump and his allies and supporters have been claiming that millions of “illegals” — known as “undocumented people” to those who are not empathy deficient — voted in the election since it became clear how badly he was going to lose the popular vote. Though many on the Hill are scratching their heads about a president mistrusting the results of an election he actually won, as he was leaving the White House later this morning, Trump explained his request for an investigation more thoroughly.

“There’s just something really fishy about these numbers to me,” Trump said, “something very, very fishy. Frankly, the numbers don’t seem right, especially when you see the protest crowd size.”

President Trump gave one reason for doubting the vote tallies that may surprise some.

“Honestly,” Trump said, his hands in the air, “I’m not really sure there are so many Americans who were dumb enough to vote for me. I mean, sure, we elected George W. Bush twice, but that guy was at least an empty-headed puppet who had been groomed for public service. I’m an angry man-baby with tiny hands and a penchant for pussy grabbing, regardless of whether they’re related to me or not.”

Trump said that while there was evidence all around us that there are “plenty of dumb-dumb Americans,” that even he was shocked and surprised at how many votes he got. He said that he expected “way more Republicans to vote for Gary Johnson or just not vote at all.” But in the end he was glad that people’s “hatred of Hillary Clinton overshadowed” his “gross and obvious lack of preparation or qualification for this job.”

The president admitted that reports in the media about him being upset by all the talk of the popular vote are true.

“I’m pissed,” Trump said, “just really, really pissed. I’m so pissed, I can’t stop thinking about piss. Warm, golden, piss. Sweet, sweet piss. Just good ol’ piss flowing freely. Maybe from the crotch of a Baltic sex worker, maybe not. I’m not picky. Mmmm. Pissssssssssssssss.”

There has been absolutely no credible evidence provided to date that any massive, concerted effort to defraud the election results took place. Donald Trump is the 45th President of the United States of America.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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