WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing his “braveness, loyalty, and patriotism,” President Donald Trump is reportedly set to ask Congress for sixteen million dollars to be set aside for the construction of a new monument to former President Andrew Jackson in the nation’s capital. The statue would commemorate Jackson’s “bigly, enormicent, and huge-tastic leadership” during World War II.
“You know FDR gets a lot of credit for his leadership during Double-U Double-U Eye-Eye,” Trump told his staff according to several highly placed sources, “but over time, I think we’ve forgotten about how vital Andrew Jackson was at the time.”
Trump told his staff that he’d been watching some “excellent videos on the YouTubes” about American history, and was shocked to find out the American people are often not told the truth about Jackson’s importance throughout the nation’s history.
“This Prager U video, which was sponsored by InfoWars and Breitbart,” Trump told Kellyanne Conway, “taught me that not only did Jackson help push our country’s borders to the west through a little fun genocide on the natives, he also helped invade Normandy on D-Day, which is something you just don’t hear about in your government schooling for some reason.”
The president said Americans would be “shocked and surprised” to find out, as he had since being sworn into office, that Jackson is an un-dead vampire who has spent most of his existence helping America in its time of need.
“It was Andrew Jackson who literally pushed the Apollo rockets off the launching pads,” Trump said, “just like he chopped down Lincoln’s cherry tree to help Ronald Reagan free the hostages. Throughout our nation’s history, Andrew Jackson was right there, leading the way. Very bigly guy, that Andy Jack.”
Mr. Trump is reportedly also considering other ways to honor President Jackson.
“What if we put him on every bill,” Trump asked, “and not just the twenty? What if he was on every single bill? Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be a great way to honor him? I think so, and I’m always right because I’m the president now. It’s true. Look it up. It’s in the Constipation, Article 69 Section Fuck You.”
Trump blew a raspberry to no one in particular.
“Andrew Jackson isn’t just the only un-dead vampire to play such a vital role in American history either,” Trump said, “Ann Coulter’s been on this continent since the Jamestown pilgrims arrived. Maybe it’s time to honor Ann as well. We’ll look into that. We’re look into a lot of things, just as long as Putin says we can, of course. Don’t want too many cooks in the kitchen.”
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