Trump Wants His New Space Force’s Guns To Go “PEW PEW!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly surprised even his own administration officials when he directed the Department of Defense to begin the process of establishing the United States Space Force.

If actually created, the Space Force would be the first new branch of the armed forces since the Air Force was created in 1947. The Space Force would not fall under the purview of NASA. During his opening remarks at a meeting of the National Space Council, Trump seemed to announce that the Space Force, which has long been considered but traditionally rejected by the DOD, is in the process of being created.

“It is not enough to have an American presence in space, we must have American dominance in space,” Trump said. “We have the Air Force and we’re going to have the Space Force. Separate but equal.” (source)

Though the administration seemed blindsided by Trump’s proclamation of the Space Force’s impending creation, and though very few details around it are available at this time, Mr. Trump did indicate he had one “very bigly requirement” for the equipment and armaments they use.

“I want to make sure every gun they use goes PEW PEW! If they bring me a space gun, and it doesn’t go PEW PEW! it’s getting chucked right out the fuckin’ Oval Office window,” Trump told reporters in the White House when he returned from his meeting with the NSC.

MORE: Planned Parenthood Announces New Partnership With ICE

The president has indicated that “top science nerds” within his administration have told him that his demand is almost impossible to meet, but he doesn’t care.

“They told me that since space is a vacuum guns won’t make any noise up there anyway,” Trump said. “But I call FAKE NEWS on that because every space show or movie I’ve seen shows guns going PEW PEW! all over the place. So you know what? I’m getting PEW PEW guns!”

President Trump also previewed a handful of other requirements he plans to put on the Space Force.

“One thing we’re going to do is make inter-species breeding against the rules. I’ve seen enough episodes of Star Tracks to know those space jockeys like to get laid,” Trump said. “And as we all know human-alien breeding would dilute our beautiful white DNA so it is strictly verboten, err I mean, forbidden.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters that even though he’s usually against new government spending, he’s very much in favor of the Space Force.

“As long as we can make war with it I, and every other good clean, ammo hoarding Republican will be okay with it,” Cruz said.

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This