Trump Wants Assurances His Subpoeana’s Bigger Than Obama’s Subpoeanas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today that he’s not worried about the grand jury Special Counsel Robert Mueller has impaneled, but he is nervous about the subpoenas that the grand jury has issued.

“The American people elected me and handed me a massive, yuge Electoral College victory because they knew my subpoena’s the best,” Trump said, “They chose me because of how well I handle my subpoenas. I’m no stranger to subpoenas, is what I’m trying to say.”

Even though he’s “been around a subpoena or two” in his day, Trump says that he is a little nervous about one aspect of his presidential subpoenas.

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“Is mine as big as Obama’s was,” Trump asked, “It’s keeping me awake at night, worrying about it. I just need to know my subpoena’s bigger than the black guy’s, know what I mean? Of course you do. It’s common sense.”

In recent weeks, Congress has issued subpoenas to both Trump campaign officials and to former Obama administration officials. At the heart of the matter is the ongoing investigation into the 2016 election, and how much influence Russia’s campaign to help Trump win actually had. Mueller’s grand jury issued subpoenas for documents and testimony that relate to a specific meeting during last year’s election — the one between Trump’s son Donald Jr. and a Russian attorney who promised dirt on Hillary Clinton that was obtained by hackers working for the Russian government.

“Everyone knows my subpoena’s the bigliest! That whole thing about how a black subpoena’s bigger than white subpoenas is just an urban legend,” Trump bellowed at the reporters in the room.

Initially, Trump and his surrogates told the press and the American electorate that there was never any collusion or meetings between their campaign and Russia. But soon, the story started changing. Attorney General Jeff Sessions was forced to recuse himself from the Russian hacking investigation when it was revealed he wasn’t truthful during his confirmation hearing about meetings he had with Russian envoys. In July, Donald Jr. released an email chain just ahead of a bombshell report in The New York Times about it. That email chain made public a meeting held between Trump’s son and a Russian lawyer connected to the Russian government’s efforts to overturn the Magnitsky Act.

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President Trump told those in the Oval Office this morning that he’d gotten at least some confirmation that his subpoena’s “bigly and worthy of admiration.”

“Ivanka looked at it and she said my subpoena’s the best she’s seen,” Trump said, “She said it was bigly and worthy of admiration. Did anyone ever say that about Obama’s subpoenas? I’m sure not.”

President Obama could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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