SALT PINES, KENTUCKY — Jefferson Forrest is preparing himself and his loved ones for what he calls “the inevitable revolt” that will come on Election Night. Forrest believes Republican presidential nominee and alleged billionaire Donald Trump when he says the election is rigged. Forrest says that the “wool will be removed from the sheeple’s eyes” on November 8th, and what happens next will be the “most glorious bloodbath in our streets since the Lobsterbacks thought they could tax us without representing us.”
“The main thing I want to be ready for is to stay as mobile as possible that night,” Forrest told our interviewer, “and that’s why I’m making sure that my main scooter and my back-up scooter are fully charged.”
Mr. Forrest told us that as the General in Kentucky’s all-volunteer Fifth Militia Brigade and Chowder Society, it is his responsibility to lead his militiamen in any battle they encounter. Just like famous generals in previous wars, Forrest says he plans to ride his “mighty steed.”
“And by mighty steed of course I mean my Rascal scooters,” Forrest said, “I have two of them for this very purpose. The scooter salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I told him I wanted to buy two adult push scooters and they both were for me. But I told that sumbitch that there may come a day when Armageddon reaches our beautiful shores and fruited plane. Which is, of course, why I have forty semiautomatic weapons and more ammunition than the entire blessed Confederate Army had, but also why I have two Rascal scooters. gotta have backup.”
Jefferson told our reporter he has plans to march his militia through his streets as he “protects America from libtards who steal elections like they steal tax dollars.” He said that “only through treats of violence if we don’t get our way, can we truly ensure American freedom and liberty live on forever.”
“I just hope that having two full-charged scooters will be enough,” Forrest said, “because I’m a crack shot from really, really close, but I’m not so good at distances. It’s why I bought my fifteen sniper rifles from that guy at the gun show, but the reality is that the scooter doesn’t ride smoothly enough for me to snipe my fellow Americans who just happened to vote for someone else besides who I wanted them to vote for all that well. Close quarters scooter combat is where it’s at for me.”
Asked if he thinks every election in all fifty states is rigged, Forrest told us “that all depends.”
“I mean, if Trump wins, clearly nothing is rigged,” Forrest said, “but if he loses, then obviously something fishy is going on. I don’t trust so-called polls. I don’t trust so-called political science, or math, or facts. I trust my gut. My gut tells me unless my guy wins, it’s rigged. If my guy wins, then it’s not rigged. So, like Trump said, we’ll just have to wait and see how much chaos I start — er I mean guard against — on election night.”
The FiveThirtyEight algorithm developed by Nate Silver that correctly predicted most of the 2012 election results currently gives Trump a roughly 14% chance of winning.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.