NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald J. Trump admitted to reporters that the rumors about he and Russian Vladimir Putin were “all true,” though it became readily apparent that the rumors to which Trump referred weren’t necessarily the rumors most have been speculating about since Trump won.
Speaking to reporters outside Trump Tower, Mr. Trump didn’t speak to whether or not Putin may have personally helped direct leaked emails to aid Mr. Trump’s victory, but rather to the supposition of what Mr. Putin’s “dick tastes like.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s been a really hot topic of debate around the apartment,” Trump told reporters, referring to the Trump Tower apartment he lives in that has become the de facto planning venue for his transition into power, “and there are a lot of opinions. Some people think it tastes like really high-quality Vodka, others think it tastes like Borscht, but I happen to think Vlad’s dick tastes like treason and shame.”
Mr. Trump said that of the many factions within his team that have opinions on the taste of Mr. Putin’s phallus, he knows that two of his “best men” have insider information.
“I know we all have our theories here,” Trump said, “but every time one of us tosses out an idea — you know, an idea for what Putin’s cock tastes like? — Mike Flynn and Rex Tillerson just look at each other and giggle. Sometimes they whisper to each other first, and then they giggle, but they always giggle every time one of us comes up with a theory for what Vladdy’s dick would taste like if we were so lucky as to be close enough to give it a lick, or a slurp, or even a gentle, loving kiss.”
Trump said he hopes Tillerson and Flynn divulge what they know soon, but also admits he “kind of want[s] to be surprised.”
“It’s kind of like when you find out your wife of the week is pregnant and having your daughter,” Trump explained, “and you really want to know how hot she’s going to be. You have to wait it out, sometimes, and just go with the surprise of the moment. I won’t lie, when it comes to coming cum to face with what Putin’s got coming, I kind of want to be surprised what it tastes like, know what I mean?”
Though he’s not sure when it will happen, Mr. Trump says he is confident that “with or without Mikey or Rex’s help” he’ll get the answers to his pondering hypotheses soon enough.
“As soon as I’m sworn in all official-like,” Trump told the press, “I’m getting Vlad on the phone and we’re setting up a little tet a dick with me and him at Mar-A-Lago. I’ll get down to the bottom of this, and will of course report back to the American people what I find because I believe in transparency, no matter what the topic. I won’t hide anything from the American people, not even with a series of baffling and unhinged tweets so that I can help facilitate more wholesale graft of taxpayer money by people in and around my circle of friends.”
A pause, a snort, a sniffle.
“Not even the flavor profile of a foreign power’s chief executive’s jizz will be a secret I keep from the American people,” Trump said, beaming, “so you know, you’re like, welcome and shit, America. God bless America, but also, God bless me a little more, right? Right.”
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