Trump Puts Down 12th Hot Dog on 13th Tee to Tweet Reminder That He’s Not on Vacation

13th TEE BOX, TRUMP NATIONAL GOLF COURSE — President Donald Trump has been in office for just over 200 days. In that time, he has spent forty seven of those days at a golf course he owns, and sixty two of them at one of his properties in general, golfing or not. Kyle Griffin, producer for “The Last Word,” on MSNBC, has been tracking this particular presidential statistic since Trump was sworn in.

Though his official time on the job has clocked in just under 200 days of work, last week Trump set out on his first presidential vacation to New Jersey, where one of his golf courses is located. At least, most everyone in the press thought it was a vacation he was undertaking. However, Mr. Trump took to his most often used and most presidential avenue of official announcements, proclamations and decrees, Twitter, to refute that notion. Trump ended his tweet with ” – meetings and calls!” which experts in Trumpese have told us translates into, “I am taking meetings and calls.”

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Trump’s tweets, however, didn’t seem to change the general consensus that he’s on vacation. Sources close to the president say it has “infuriated and confused” him to not be taken at his word. Evidently, Trump was so irate about no one actually believing he’s not on vacation that he told staffers he was determined to change that narrative as soon as possible.

Late this morning, on the 13th tee of Trump National Golf Course in New Jersey, the president had a revelation. He would just send another tweet, denying that he was on vacation. However, even though he had the world changing idea to double-down on Twitter, he was in a bind. A new challenge faced him.

“Goddamnit,” Trump reportedly shouted as he got out of his golf cart, “I need to send a tweet, but I only have two hands, technically one and a half in adult hand sizes, and both of mine are full of hot dogs at the moment.”

President Trump apparently shouted out for Sean Spicer, former Press Secretary, to help him.

“Sean! Where is that little shit Muppet,” Trump asked in an obvious tizzy, “I need him to take a dictated tweet.”

Aides informed Trump that when someone resigns they leave the staff and don’t do things for him anymore. An irate Trump then demanded to see “that rinsing pubes guy,” and when it was determined he was talking about former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, current Chief of Staff General John Kelly put his hand to his face and muttered quietly to himself. Then Trump’s interns again explained to him that Priebus had been fired, and couldn’t help Trump.

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“Well, damn it,” Trump said as he shoveled another hot dog, one he’d grabbed from a pile of hot dogs on the golf cart, into his face, “I guess I’ll have to do this myself. Like a fuckin’ pleb.”

An angry Trump slammed down his twelfth hot dog of the day onto the pile of hot dogs on the cart. He held out his right hand to the Secret Service agent still sitting in his card. Trump began to move his fingers up and down, his palm up, in a universal sign of “Gimme, gimme.” Trump’s head was turned away from the agent, a kingly air about him.

“Thank you,” President Trump told the agent as he took his phone, “this shouldn’t take long. I’ll just open up Twitter here and…”

“There you go,” Trump said, “That should convince everyone. Because I said ‘working hard’ and ‘meetings.’ Good enough. Here, take my phone and hand me another hot dog.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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