WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a flurry of activity at the White House, the First Amendment has reportedly been smeared with orange, sulfuric, and somehow actually racist feces, and the Trump administration is proudly, boldly, taking credit.
“At about 6:30 this evening the president felt nature call like we all do,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters, “and after having finished his presidential partin’ as he likes to call it, he discovered to his shock and dismay that he had run out of TP in the bathroom. He was in dire, dire need of TP for his bunghole at that point.”
Spicer said that the White House went into an immediate “scrabble — scrubbing bubble — SCRABMLE” to find something that the co-president could wipe his posterior with. They found that no matter what they tried, nothing was big enough.
“The president has a rather substantial anus,” Spicer said, “and that kind of anus takes something larger than regular toilet paper that the plebs use. So we soldiered on. We tried all kinds of things.”
Then, Spicer said, someone remembered that Trump had asked for the actual Constitution to be brought to the White House so he could study it for ways to delete the judicial and legislative branches for “cost cutting purposes.” Trump asked how large the First Amendment was on the parchment. An aide told him that it was a pretty substantial bit of text, and Trump decided he’d use the First Amendment to wipe his giant, orange, and as one staffer described it, “horrendously hideous and disgusting” anal sphincter orifice.
“But sir,” Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff objected, “that amendment is the cornerstone of our democracy. It contains vital freedoms we hold near and dear to us as a society. Freedoms like freedom of speech, and religion.”
Trump thought for a moment.
“Speech and religion huh,” Trump asked rhetorically, “I like them. How else am I going to call myself God if I don’t have freedom of religion or speech? Maybe I should find something else to wipe my gargantuan asshole with?”
That’s when Co-President Steve Bannon was apprised of the situation. Bannon was very much in favor of the “First Amendment SCOTUS Butthole Wipe” as it came to be known in an official White House memo hours later. He advised Trump as such.
“Donny,” Bannon reportedly said, “sure, religion and speech are protected by the First. But you know what else is? The lügenpresse, Herr Donald. The lyin’ press!”
This perked up Trump’s ears.
“Oh yeah,” Trump asked, “the press? I fuckin’ hate them. Did you see I blocked CNN and Buzzfeed from covering my press briefings?”
Bannon laughed. As he did the discordant trumpets of Hellish fanfare were heard in the distance. The ground shook.
“Yes, Donny, I heard,” Bannon smiled, “and you did a great job! Here’s a cookie.” He handed Trump a cookie and continued, “Now just imagine how much more liberal tear drinking we’ll be doing if you wipe out the press, all of them, literally.”
Trump and Bannon shared a moment together. They looked longingly in each other’s eyes. They smooched briefly but passionately on the lips.
“Good call,” Trump said, “Servants! Fetch me the First Amendment, forthwith!”
White House aides brought the First Amendment, expertly cut from the body of the rest of the Constitution, into the bathroom. Trump smelled the parchment.
“Mmm,” the co-president said, “freedom-y. And now, let’s do this.”
The country wept.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.