BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — Reports are coming in that President Donald Trump left behind a “very special, very smelly present” for leaders of the other NATO alliance members after leaving the annual conference in Brussels today.
“Before departing the conference hall, Mr. Trump told his staff he had to ‘Drop an Eric off at the pool’ and once his aides figured out what he meant, they led him to one of the private bathrooms our building has,” one staff member of the hall, who wished to stay anonymous told us via Skype. “He was in there for, I don’t know, two hours, I think. We could see his tweets from that time, so we’re pretty sure he was just shitting and tweeting the whole time. Kind of redundant, actually.”
Conference hall staff say that once President Trump vacated the bathroom, their best clean-up crew went in after him.
“We knew that no matter what we did, we couldn’t leave it in a worse state than he did, which ironically is how the person who succeeds him is going to feel as well,” another staff member told us. “So there’s that, at least.”
While cleaning the private bathroom, janitorial staff were at first quite surprised to find no stains had been left behind on the bowl.
“A man that big, who eats that much garbage food, you’d expect to leave streaks like 90’s indie rock girls had in their hair,” we were told. “Not a single mark in the bowl though. Just to reiterate — IN THE BOWL.”
The cleaning staff did, in fact some presidential evidence in the toilet, however.
“They noticed an odor coming from the commode, but couldn’t figure out why, given how clean the bowl was,” one other employee told us. “Then, they opened the tank and found his upper decker.”
“He said that since figuratively shit all over NATO, he might as well literally shit all over the conference,” one person close to Trump said they overheard.
The president had managed to perch himself on the tank of the toilet and defecate into it, conference hall management has confirmed.
“Taped on the inside of the lid was a message, written in orange crayon by very small hands,” one source said. “The note reads, ‘Hey Angie and all you other Eurotrash fucks, suck on this shit, literally. You know where you can all go? You can go NATO to hell! HA HA! THAT WAS A VERY FUCKING FUNNY JOKE, HUH STEPHEN MILLER? STEPHEN MILLER SAID IT WAS IN FACT THE BEST FUCKING JOKE EVER!”
Reached for comment, the White House didn’t deny any elements of this story.
“Fuck NATO, okay? Fuck NATO,” White House staffer John Barron told us. “The president, that guy with the huge dong and massive hands and tremendously bigly IQ? He should’ve shit right on Merkel’s dumb kraut tits. Okay, I have to go now, Vladimir is calling on the Kushner Kommunication K-Channel! Byeeeeeeeeee!”
Toxic waste disposal crews were still grappling with the president’s turd at the time of publication.