NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Junior Assistant Dean at one of America’s bigliest universities has announced that actress and human cocaine sponge Lindsay Lohan will be given a doctorate degree next spring.
“Trump University is pleased to announce that Ms. Lohan will receive a doctorate degree from our Sarah Palin School of Political Science and Law next fall,” Jack Malloy said, “and we couldn’t be happier or more thrilled.”
Lohan made headlines on July 4th this year when she tweeted an admonition to the people of the United States to stop “bullying” President Doanld Trump.
Those tweets, Malloy said, were the impetus for Trump University’s board of directors to bestow a doctorate of political science on Ms. Lohan.
“Clearly the president has known about Lindsay for quite some time,” Malloy said, “because he talked about how he’d totally fuck her on Howard Stern’s show back in the early 2000’s. But when she went the extra mile to defend him against those meanies who keep quoting him accurately and reporting all the times he lies or fails? He knew she deserved something even more special than a presidential schlonging.”
Malloy explained that offering a degree to Lohan came about because President Trump values loyalty, as long as the loyalty in question is being shown to him.
“Our dear president likes to help those who help him,” Malloy said, “He’s loyal to those who are loyal to him.”
There were some initial concerns, Malloy indicated, about Lohan’s understanding of basic, rudimentary concepts.
“Obviously Lindsay doesn’t really know what bullying looks like,” Malloy admitted, “if she’s defending Trump from bullying. I mean, the guy bullies two people before he gets out of bed in the morning, and you’d think Melania and Ivanka would be tired of it by now.”
The University also briefly tussled over whether Ms. Lohan has the bonafides necessary to warrant the degree.
“Of course she hasn’t done anything to qualify for the degree,” Malloy posited, “but unqualified and Trump go together like white robes and flaming crosses.”
While celebrities receive honorary degrees from universities all the time, this degree is different, Malloy insists.
“Oh no, it’s not honorary,” Mr. Malloy told reporters, “It’s a real degree from this university. I mean, to be fair it’s worth just as much as an honorary degree from a more traditionally real university, but then again any degree from Trump University is just as worthless as an honorary one from anywhere else, so you know, stuff and things and such.”
Ms. Lohan and her team did not respond to requests for comment because we’re a satire site and we don’t actually reach out to people for comment. But you know, stuff and things and such.
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