Trump Wants ICE To Hire United Security That Forcibly Removed Passenger From Overbooked Flight

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After watching the video of an Asian man who claimed to be a doctor being forcibly removed from his flight on United Airlines, President Trump said he doesn’t see “anything wrong” with how the airline interacted with the passenger, and furthermore he wants the department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement to hire the security guards to removed the passenger.

“When you’re the most powerful one in the room,” Trump told reporters from various right-wing outlets, “you get to put your hands wherever you like. That’s just science. And what I really want to see is ICE hire those great security guards that tossed the paying customer off the plane so violently.”

President Trump said that he hopes it was “inspiring” for current ICE agents to watch the video footage of a man being dragged off the United flight, after the airline had asked for volunteers to exit the plane, which they had sold more seats on than they’d had available.

“Get a load of that,” Trump said, stabbing a finger toward the television, “that’s how you do it! No regard for humanity; just get the job done. Winning.”

Trump insisted that the Asian man, though he had paid for his ticket fully, and United had been the one who took payment for more seats than were available, was the “real culprit.”

“And you can tell just by looking at him,” Trump said, “you know what I mean? Just by LOOKING AT HIM, that he’s different from you, or me, or, well not that lady. Honestly, you look like the person they dragged off. Makes me a bit suspicious.”

Aides say that Mr. Trump was addressing a picture of Chinese President Xi Jinping, who had just finished his first official visit to the States since Trump was sworn in. Apparently, someone on the White House staff had given the signed photo of President Jinping to Trump, after the Chinese leader had signed a personal message on it for the alleged billionaire. When he had finished barking semi-racist comments on the picture of President Jingping, Trump got back to the business of pontificating about United’s hired security dragging the Asian man from the plane.

“Look, this is very simple, folks, very cut and dry,” Trump explained, “and all you have to do is figure out if United Airlines or the Asian guy has more money. The more money you have, the more you can get away with. Grabbin’ pussies, chucking paid customers off of flights instead of shuffling around some of your own employees who are flying for free, whatever.”

Mr. Trump compared the United situation to what his “good friend” Bill O’Reilly is going through right now.

“When you have lots of money and power,” the president said, “it’s just the natural way of things that you get to make demands, of anyone, and they have to be fulfilled. If that Ching-Chong looking guy wanted to have me stand up for his rights, he should’ve had more money than United. That’s the litmus test. He he has the most dough, wins. It’s the American way. BIP-BAM-BOOM-PRESIDENTIN’!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This