Trump Asks Congress ‘For a Friend’ If People Can Rage Tweet From Federal Prison

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has sent a letter to Congress, asking whether or not prisoners in federal penitentiaries can still “rage tweet at all hours of the morning.”

“Dear Congressionals,” the letter begins, “I had a question for you that just suddenly popped up, no big deal. But you know, just out of curiosity, do they let federal prisoners rage tweet at all hours of the morning? Asking for a friend.”

Trump’s letter states he needs to know if federal prisoners retain the right to use their smartphones to tweet, but he doesn’t need the answer for himself.

“Asking for a friend,” Trump writes, “A good friend. A great friend. A bigly great good friend. You know, I have the best friends, I really do. Anyway, I’m asking for one of them.”

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President Trump also wanted to know a few more things about “how federal prisons work.”

“Let’s say someone goes to federal prison,” Trump said, “Does that happen before or after a grand jury decides there’s sufficient evidence to go forward with a trial? I would guess after, but I pay guys with very Jewy names to handle the law stuff for me, so just asking.”

Trump was dealt a serious blow when The Wall Street Journal broke news that Special Counsel Robert Mueller had impaneled a grand jury in relation to the June 2016 meeting between a Russian lawyer, Trump’s son, Trump’s son-in-law, and Trump’s campaign manager at the time. It was also announced that subpoenas have been issued by the grand jury. Trump’s letter had a question about subpoenas as well.

“Do you have to keep responding to subpoenas,” Trump asks, “even if you’re already in jail? Like, can they subpoena me — excuse me, my friend — for other trials?”

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Trump’s letter asks a few more procedural questions as well.

“Would someone still get to fire the Attorney General or Special Counsel after they’re put in the federal pokey,” Trump wrote, “Again, just asking for a friend here. Also, if someone’s thrown in federal prison, do they still get Secret Service protection? How does that work? Would I — sorry, my friend — lose their parking privileges at the White House?”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters that Trump’s letter “demonstrates a profound and troubling lack of understanding” about how the government works. However, McConnell also said that as long Trump stays a Republican, he’s not sure he “can, will, or wants to do” anything about Trump’s “disturbing stupidity.”

“I mean, what am I supposed to do,” McConnell asked rhetorically, put my country before my party? What kind of far-left radical talk is that?”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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