WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today in the Oval Office, Co-President Donald Trump was handed an executive order to sign that he and his top advisers hope will quell some of the growing concerns among the press, pundits, and the American people that the co-president has a very tenuous hold on the concept of truth.
“This order here,” Trump said, speaking as if he’d never heard of the order until it was shoved in his face,”of course we all know this order. A great order. Maybe my second favorite order after, say, a cheeseburger and fries, or ‘of the Phoenix.’ Love that Harry Potter series. Such a great good guy in that film, Volde-what’s-his name?”
After spending fifteen minutes re-telling the Harry Potter saga, but with the man who killed Harry’s parents as the protagonist, Trump got back to the business of the executive order. Taking what he called his “favorite executive order crayon,” Trump swiped his signature across the page and then told everyone what it was about.
“This order officially makes the truth relative,” Trump said, “which means that even if what I say here, out and about, or on Twitter, it could be true. Even if all the facts and reality dictate it’s not true, it doesn’t matter. Now that I’ve signed that form, all truth is relative, okay? It’s relative.”
Trump has come under heavy criticism for his baseless attack on former President Barack Obama, accusing the 44th president of illegally wiretapping Trump during last year’s election. There has been no evidence to support Trump’s claims discovered, despite a rather desperate attempt by House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes to cover for Trump. Nunes took the extraordinary and unprecedented step of sharing information from the House investigation with the Trump team before he’d even shared it with the rest of his committee, and many sources are saying Nunes’ information does nothing but further confirm that a cover-up seems to be underway.
Co-President Trump dismissed those worries in an interview with TIME Magazine. That interview was illustrative to many of Trump’s strained grip on reality. Trump cited that interview as the basis for this new order.
“I did that interview, and it was probably the greatest interview of all time, I’m told by people I pay to tell me these things,” Mr. Trump explained, “and it got me to thinking that maybe part of the problem is that so many of Democrat Party haters think that truth is objective. So Steve, Kellyanne, and Mr. Goebbels, — excuse me! — Spicer, got together and knocked this idea up.”
A pause. A lightbulb seemed to go off in Trump’s head.
“Knocked up…heh, that’s funny,” Trump said, “here I’ve just made time all relative, and I just said knocked up. We all know how I feel about knocking up relatives. Maybe I ought to take truth out for dinner and a presidential pussy grab?”
Quiet took over the room. Even the reporters from hard right-wing media outlets in the Oval Office seemed to cringe a bit. Trump attempted to recover.
“Ah, just kidding folks, just kidding,” Trump said, “besides, I would never do anything to make that sweet hunk of ass Ivanka jealous. She’s my girl, and always will be. My sweet, sexy, nepotistic daughter. Mmmm. Ivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”
Sanity and human decency could not be reached for comment, as they left the White House about six to eight weeks ago.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.