NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Donald Trump campaign announced this morning that President Barack Obama was not the only one who had scheduled a trip to the city of Hiroshima, Japan. While Obama’s trip has been scheduled so that the president can make a speech about the end of the nuclear age, Trump’s aides say the bewigged billionaire is going to “spread good will in other ways.”
“I’m going to friggin’ Hiroshima,” Trump told reporters outside his apartment a few hours after the announcement had been made, “and I’m going to give them all a care package that was hand crafted in the beautiful kitchens here at Trump Towers.” Mr. Trump said he plans to load up his jet with “as many egg rolls and fortune cookies” that were prepared in the kitchens of his apartment building and deliver them to the citizens of Hiroshima.
Trump said that he was feeling “inspirationalized” to do “humanitarian stuff” after hearing of Obama’s trip to one of two cities that the U.S. dropped atomic bombs on during the final stages of the Pacific Theater of World War II. The former reality-TV star turned presumptive Republican presidential nominee told reporters he and his chief foreign adviser, former-half Governor Sarah Palin (R-Derptown), had decided it was time to “start seeing the world from somewhere” other than his house.
“You know, Sarah said to me that she learned a lot about watching Russia from her front porch,” Trump mused, “but it wasn’t until she watched ‘Rocky IV’ that she got the idea she should visit Russia, and even though she still hasn’t visited that country, she knows for a fact they blood doped Ivan Drago and we shouldn’t ever trust them because of what he did to poor Apollo.”
Reporters were curious as to why Trump chose egg rolls and fortune cookies.
“Because when you think of the name Trump,” he responded, “you think the best, and you think quality, and you think authentic. I want to bring those people the most authentic food they’ve had. I want them to be able to tell that we make more authentic food than they can get in their home countries. We want them to be reminded that everything about America is better, even their indigenous foods.”
The media pool pressed on, reminding Trump that egg rolls are traditionally Chinese cuisine, and that fortune cookies are served at Chinese restaurants, but were invented in America.
“Right, I know. Chinese. What’s your point,” Trump asked, getting a little indignant.
One reporter brought her smart phone up to Trump, and showed him a Google map of Asia. The reporter could clearly be heard telling him, “This is China, and then over here, on this island, is Japan. Totally different countries, Mr. Trump.”
“I have to admit,” Trump said, “you’re a very fine looking broad, but I think you should have stuck with charm school. Because from where I sit, China and Japan are the same country. And honestly who can tell them apart anyway?”
The reporters pounced. What did he mean by “them,” they asked.
“You know, those types,” Trump said.
“What types,” one male reporter asked.
“You know what I mean,” Trump said.
“Sure, sure we do. But can you just clarify, because we’re not all as smart as you, so we need it spelled out for us,” another reporter said.
Trump heaved a sigh.
“You are right,” he said, “you’re all not nearly as smart as me.”
“Yes, but, what did you mean by — never mind. It doesn’t matter,” another reporter said.
“Finally you say something I agree with,” Trump said with satisfaction dripping from his lips, “it literally doesn’t matter what I say. I have the GOP base eating out of my hand, the establishment can’t beat me, and I could come out on stage and fart on the tomb of Ronald Reagan and I’d get a standing ovation. So, see you all in Hiroshima Land with my egg rolls and fortune cookies, bitches! Trump ouuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttt!”