Trump To Award “Oakland Barbecue Lady” Medal Of Freedom

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Later this year, President Donald Trump will award the Medal of Freedom to a woman known only as the “Oakland Barbecue Lady” for what he called her “heroic attempts” to “keep her neighborhood park clean” and “free from riffraff just trying to have some fun and enjoy life.”

“I’ve been shown the video of that courageous, correctly American pigmented citizen attempting to stop those unruly urbans from having fun,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today. “So I’m going to pick up the phone right now and give her a call, because in my country — and I’m told by very expensive, bigly good attorneys it is officially MY country now — we reward braveness and courage, unlike in previous black administrations which I’m sure gave out Medals of Cowardice instead.”

Back in April, a woman recorded an incident between another woman and a group of black men barbecuing in a park in Oakland, California. The woman being filmed is white, as is the woman who did the filming. During the course of the video, the Oakland Barbecue Woman is seen calling the police because she says the men were violating clean air laws. The men were indeed in an area that is not zoned for charcoal grilling, however, the police that arrived admonished her for using police resources to handle such a relatively small matter.

Members of Oakland’s city council have also expressed a need to teach their citizens the proper times to call the cops.

“I think it is really incumbent on all of us that when we call police, it is for emergency purposes,” said Oakland City Councilmember Lynette Gibson McElhaney to The Hill. “I want to encourage people to know when to call the police, when to raise a question of regulations with the City Council, maybe there is a passive way to reach out to us.” (source)

Back in the Oval Office, Trump picked up the phone and shouted at his secretary to get the woman on the phone.

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“Hello? Yes, hi, this is President Donald Trump,” the president said in greeting. “I would like you to come down to the White House so that I can award you the Medal of Freedom. This country, frankly, needs more heroes like you, ma’am. Your tireless devotion to using the letter of the law to harass people of color should serve as a shining beacon to more Americans with the proper skin tone, if you know what I mean.”

Mr. Trump compared the woman’s actions to his own past.

“You know, I have a great deal of sympathy for you and your mission,” Trump said. “It reminds me of the time I took out a full page ad in the newspaper calling for five innocent black men to be put to death. Pretty much makes us literally the same exact person, doesn’t it?”

Trump promised the lady he’d throw her “the biggest party” she’s ever seen.

“And it’ll be the kinda party people like you and me like to throw,” Trump said. “You know, a hanging one.”

This story is developing.

Watch the full video of the Oakland Barbecue Lady below:

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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