SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — The terrorist organization known as ISIS, or Daesh, alleges that they have reached out to President Donald Trump, and are “extending a violent, murderous olive branch” to the White House.
“Let us make it abundantly clear — we are still very much taking a ‘Death to America’ stance, and we still want to see western civilization demised,” an ISIS spokesterrorist told reporters today, “but clearly, after inspiring three terrorist shootings in less than a week, there are some things your president can teach us about inspiring terrorists to action.”
In the span of just a week, Americans watched in horror as three separate mass shootings took place. First, at a Garlic festival in Gilroy, California. Next, a mass shooting in El Paso, Texas. Third, a shooting in Dayton, Ohio. All told, more than 30 people lost their lives in the three separate incidents, and ISIS says that is “awe inspiring.”
“In terms of raw numbers, Trump has inspired way more terrorist attacks on American citizens than we have over the last several years, and we want him to teach us his ways,” the ISIS representative explained. “Frankly, between the MAGAbomber and the El Paso shooter, we’re starting to feel kind of inadequate. We really can’t afford to let America get better at state sponsored terror than we are. That’s kind of our shtick, so we need to protect it at all costs.”
ISIS is hoping to set up a meeting with Trump some time soon, and they’re quite confident he’ll agree to it.
“Sure, you might think it’s crazy that the President of the United States would sit down with blood thirsty, murderous criminals and make nice with them,” ISIS said, “but Kim Jong-Un, Vladimir Putin, and Mohammad Bin Salman all think you’re crazy for thinking it’s that crazy. We get the feeling if we kiss his fat orange ass enough, he’ll make our case to the American public, and the world, for us. Stroke that conman’s ego even the slightest bit and he becomes a lovesick puppy, cooing at you at trying to woo you for your attention.”
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While they await confirmation of their meeting with Trump, ISIS says they are adopting some “Trumpian and Trump-like practices” in order to get a jump on whatever operational suggestions he has for them.
“We’ve been going around screaming ‘FAKE NEWS!’ at the top of our lungs, watching fifteen hours of Fox News every day, and thinking lustful thoughts about your daughters,” ISIS’ spokesman said, “because we feel that if we’re going to inspire terrorists like Trump, we must think like Trump. Which is also the reason why I’ve been having my friend fart in my ear for the last several nights, blasting them all the way into my brain. I can only presume that’s how the president comes up with his best thoughts.”
At a rally in Florida this year, Trump asked the crowd what to do about illegal immigrants coming into the country. Someone shouted that they should be shot. Trump laughed, and told them “only in the panhandle” can they get away with such a thing. ISIS has been studying that film quite extensively.
“We want to learn the ways of gaslighting from that film. He clearly gives tacit permission for them to continue to have violent fantasies about their fellow Americans,” ISIS’ spokesterrorist divulged. “It’s truly something to behold, and terrorized Americans is exactly what we want, too. Who knew it’d serve both ISIS and Trump’s best interests to have a cowed, terrified American populace? We should be leveraging what we have in common — terrorizing Americans.”
The White House could not be reached for comment.
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