President Trump’s Itinerary Ruined as He Struggles for Hours to Thread a Needle

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alleged billionaire reality-TV star, steak salesman, and Co-President of the United States Donald. J. Trump reportedly struggled for hours to thread a needle this morning, delaying his entire day’s schedule in the process.

“We were late to every meeting this morning,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters, “because the co-president really wanted to sew a button back onto his jacket himself — like winners do — and he was having tremendous difficulty getting the needle threaded.”

Spicer told reporters that from what he and the other White Staffers staffers could tell, the issue arose out of the fact that the needle and thread were very small, and Trump’s digits may not have had “substantial enough length,” in Spicer’s words to thread the needle. Reportedly he and many other people in the room offered to thread the needle for Trump, but the co-president repeatedly balked at the suggestion.

“Get the fuck outta here widdat,” Trump reportedly told Spicer, “what kinda massive, yooge lose-uh can’t sew his own button?” But, Spicer said, Trump just could not get his fingers to grasp the needle and thread at the same time, and neither of his hands seemed large enough to hold either.

Mr. Spicer said that for thirty minutes they watched as Trump struggled to even hold the needle upright, as though it was small, the size of Trump’s hands seemed to make the task even harder. Spicer said Trump’s fingers made the needle “look like a street lamp” in his hands, and the real estate baron just couldn’t keep his hands around it.

“He just kept looking at the needle, and the thread, and his hands, and screaming and cursing,” Spicer said, “he just couldn’t quite figure out how to manipulate the tiny objects he was trying to hold with his hands the size they are.”

Ultimately, after about ninety minutes of struggling, Trump was convinced to just grab another jacket. Unfortunately, he had difficulty wrapping his fingers around the hanger, which felt massive in his hands, and that process put his daily itinerary off by another hour or so.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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