President-Elect Trump Will Tap 10-Year-Old Son Barron To Be Secretary Of The Cyber

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump told reporters this morning that he would expand on something he mentioned during his first presidential debate with Hillary Rodham Clinton, who he’d go on to defeat in a stunning upset just weeks ago. Trump announced that he will create a new presidential cabinet position by “presidential decree,” and he has already decided who will fill the role.

“My ten-year-old son Barron will be my new Secretary of The Cyber,” the alleged billionaire announced in front of his Trump Tower apartment Tuesday morning, “because if he can make the emails work on my phone, I know he can bring what it takes to win the Cyber. And we all know how important the Cyber is.”

Trump’s announcement comes less than twenty-four hours after his answer to a debate question on foreign policy led him to discuss the Cyber and just how important it was. Trump told the debate audience it was important for America to get “very tough on cyber.”

I have a son.

He’s 10 years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers, it’s unbelievable. The security aspect of cyber is very, very tough. And maybe it’s hardly do-able. But I will say, we are not doing the job we should be doing, but that’s true throughout our whole governmental society. We have so many things that we have to do better, Lester and certainly cyber is one of them. (source)

“Barron’s not just good with The Cyber either,” Trump said, “he’s always playing his X-Station or whatever and just like his dad, he wins. He wins big. Every game he plays on that videola machine of his he wins. He’ll bring that same winning attitude and tradition to the Cyber, you can bet on that.”

In addition to the Cyber, Trump said this morning that Americans are facing threats from “the economics” and “the crime.” He didn’t, however, see much use in Americans fretting over “the guns” or “the warming thing.”

“The Cyber is tough, very tough,” Trump said wagging his finger, “and Americans are certainly unsure about the Economics these days, but I just don’t see much use in freaking out over the Guns or the Warming thing, sorry.”

The D-list reality-TV star told reporters that Barron wouldn’t start his job as Secretary of The Cyber right after he’s confirmed by the Senate. Trump said that he needs Barron to do something else for him first.

“My goddamned VCR clock won’t stop blinking midnight,” Trump said, “and everyone keeps telling me to just get rid of the damn thing. Screw that. If I threw it out, what else would I watch all the old VHS tapes of my interviews from the 80’s and 90’s on while I masturbate furiously and somehow tenderly? Barron will set the clock on my VCR, and then he’ll be my Secretary of the Cyber.”

The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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