Trump Has Offered to Turn State’s Evidence Against Jared

FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA — In perhaps an unsurprising twist, former President Don Trump has offered to “give up the goods” on his son-in-law Jared Kushner in exchange for “total and complete immunization” from the New York Attorney General’s office.

This week, New York AG Letitia James stepped up the pressure in her office’s investigation of the Trump Organization. James announced that she was seeking testimony under oath from Ivanka, Donald Jr, and Don Trump Sr. Eric Trump already provided testimony, but James divulged that he asserted his Fifth Amendment privilege more than five hundred separate times. It would seem that a legal noose is being tied around the defeated former president’s flesh pouch he calls a neck, and some reports are that his attorneys have already advised him to throw his kids — even the ones he lusts after — under the bus and blame all illegal activities on them.

“The one-term, twice forever impeached former president has had several urgent, high-level calls with his attorneys this morning. All of them, every single one, urged their client to take this seriously,” our source told us under condition of anonymity and a gift card to McDonald’s. “They said he needs to get real, get tough, and he should throw all his kids under the bus if he has to. Even Princess Vanky, which they know would break his cholesterol laden heart.” (Pastiche Post)

It would appear that, at least according to some reports, the former president is trying to heed his attorneys’ advice, in some form or another. Sources in his orbit are telling news outlets that Trump has reached out to Attorney General James and offered to testify against his son-in-law, Jared Kushner. In exchange, Trump wants “total and complete immunization” from James for all of his children except Donald Jr.

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Just before publication, a deeply placed source at Trump’s Florida resort, whose name rhymes with “Smellonya Dump,” emailed us the following letter, which they claim Trump sent to James this morning. Reprinted below is the letter.

Dear AG Titties James,

I would like you to consider this letter a formal offer. Just so you know, that should make you very, very excited! Lots of people get really excited to get an offer from the most successful businessman (named Donald Trump who has a mangled penis and lust for his daughter) ever!

Anywho, my offer.

I would like to offer that I will turn state’s evidence. I will testify, and provide key details that will get you the conviction I know you want. So if you give me, and the kids of mine who I love (so just leave Dumbo Donny out, okay?) full immunization, I will testify against the man who cucks me on a daily basis, Jared Kushner.

I mean, to be clear, I don’t know him that well. He’s a low level coffee boy, if you will. But apparently my daughter thinks his non-weird penis is better than mine, and so, well, the rest is history. Anywho, I’ll give up the goods on Jared if you let me, Vanky, and Eric slide okay? 

Deal? Let me know, Titty.


-Don Trump

AG James has not responded to Trump’s letter, or acknowledged it thus far. This space will be updated if and when she does.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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