WASHINGTON, D.C. — His options are dwindling. Time is running out. The votes have been cast and counted. Even recounted. Yet, despite all his complaining, all his vicious attacks on anyone — even those in his own party he perceives as disloyal to him — President Donald J. Trump is on a collision course with a fate he can’t avoid. He will leave the White House on January 21st, 2021.

But that hasn’t and won’t stop his crack (smoking) squad of (terrible and comically inept) lawyers from trying every last tool and trick they have to forestall that inevitable end to his story.  Today, the Trump campaign signalled that it is ready to appeal their many cases — all but one of which they’ve lost in disastrous form — to the highest court possible. When they do present their reasoning for the wholesale disenfranchisement of eighty million Americans who voted for Joe Biden instead of Trump, the president’s campaign’s legal team will ask the Supreme Court to set side not just the results of the election, but also the Constitution and the version of democracy it establishes.

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“The mainstream, otherwise known as the 100% Democrat Party sponsored propaganda machine, won’t tell you all this,” lawyer Rudy Giuliani barked at a room full of reporters and Trump supporters, “but the Constitution has a very secret clause, somewhere near the last sentence or two, that very clearly gives the sitting president the right to ask the Supreme Court to set aside the election, and more importantly the Constitution itself, which would of course mean ending American democracy.”

Attorney Jenna Ellis, taking a big draw from a glass crack pipe, told the room she and Giuliani are “committed to giving the president and his rabid base of sycophants the election result they feel they deserve.” Even if that means setting aside the actual results, Ellis said. Blowing out a huge plume of crack smoke as she spoke, Ellis explained herself.

“We’ve been saying for four years the only Americans that count are Trump-brand Republicans. It’s not our fuckin’ fault if you weren’t paying enough attention to see this very obvious, very pathetic coup attempt coming,” Ellis said. “So stand back, America, you’re about to have your leader chosen for you, because you all were too cucky to to vote the way you were LEGALLY REQUIRED TO VOTE.”

Sidney Powell, a rat faced lawyer who is no longer officially on the campaign’s legal team, at a rally just a few miles down the road from where Ellis and Giuliani held their presser, unleashed her own torrent of unhinged, batshit crazy.

“Not only was Hugo Chavez in on this scheme,” Powell said to her own rally crowd, “so was that tyrant, Abe Lincoln! That’s right, this is just more abuse by those slave-lovin’ Yankees and we aren’t gonna stand for it! We’re gonna rise up! We’re gonna…hang on, I need to huff some paint before finishing.”

More Americans have voted against Donald Trump in his two presidential campaigns than any other human being in history.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.