Trump Hopeful Tax Cuts For The One Percent Will Save Florida From Devastation of Hurricane Irma

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After just over seven months in office, President Donald Trump has not seen very many legislative victories for his agenda.

While he was able to help shepherd Neil Gorsuch into the Supreme Court seat left vacated by the death of Antonin Scalia, and though the high court thanks to Gorsuch’s presence helped his travel ban pass at least enough Constitutional muster to be implemented in part, reality is that it has mostly been a turbulent time marked by embarrassment and failure to deliver on key campaign promises. Funding for and construction on his promised border wall has not begun as of yet, and Trump’s attempts to lead Congressional Republicans through the process of repealing and replacing Obamacare was met with a stunning and stinging defeat at the hands of a man Trump had personally insulted during last year’s campaign, Senator John McCain (R-AZ).

Trump’s nascent administration has seen key members resign or fired, and now it faces an extraordinary challenge for even the most adept and skilled of teams — recovering from one massive, historic hurricane, while simultaneously helping another state brace for the impact of perhaps an even larger one, all within a week’s time. This afternoon, while leaving the White House for a lunch of McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Hardee’s, Trump said he’s “focused like a cat on a laser pointer” on helping the Gulf Coast recover from Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Trump said while “not much is certain in this life,” he does know one thing will help hurricane and flooding victims — tax breaks for the wealthiest of Americans.

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“Let’s be real, okay folks? When you’ve lost your home, and all your material and sentimentally important things in life,” Trump mused, “the very first thing you’re going to need from your government is assurance that your government is not punishing earners. I think everyone would agree with me on that.”

The president has shifted focus to his domestic policy agenda of lowering taxes across the brackets, however with a substantially higher percentage break for the top earners in the country. The richest one percent, Trump argued this afternoon, deserve a larger tax break because “they clearly work billions of times harder than your average American worker.” The tangerine tinted alleged billionaire and reality TV D-list game show host said that tax breaks for the one percent are “even more importanter” than billionaires personally giving their own money to charities set up for hurricane relief.

“What I was always taught to believe, and I believe this with every bit of my calcified heart,” Trump said, “is that good, clean, honest, ammo hoarding, Christian, conservative, Reaganite, Americans — you know, the whitiest and the tightiest — first and foremost believe in rich people having everything their way. Because they are entitled to their spoiled baby temper tantrums that result in less funding for vital services that help the very people that are the literal grist mill of the capitalistic machine that keeps lining their family’s dynastic pockets with ever more money. That money then gets expatriated in large amounts to tax havens, read the Panama Papers people, and we never see it again.”

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Trump took out a small phial of a white, powdery substance Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would deny was cocaine, insisting was “nothing more than simple, old fashioned crushed up baby white rhinoceros horn” which she said the president is prescribed by his “totally normal, western medicine trained, witch doctor” for “certainly NOT a penis thing.”

“I mean, maybe I’m crazy,” Trump continued, “and GOPesus Christ knows I certainly have been called that almost literally my entire life, but…I just believe deep down that as you look at the soaked and soggy remains of your life that were destroyed in a matter of just a couple of days, the VERY FIRST thing you’ll do is make sure we’re not taxing job creators too much. I just believe that. So hard.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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