MIERDITO CHINGANDO, FLORIDA — The Donald J. Trump presidential campaign announced early this morning that it was hired a new Director of African-American outreach. The man named for this position is sure to raise eyebrows, as it is George Zimmerman, the acquitted murderer of unarmed black teen Trayvon Martin.
“We wanted George for this position really badly,” Trump told reporters in Florida, near where Zimmerman lives, “and thank God he was available. Strangely, no one seems to want to hire a killer with an obvious anger management issue that manifests itself in vicious, physical violence.”
Trump told the press Zimmerman was at the top of his shortlist for the position due to his “unique skill set.”
“In our campaign, we have a certain culture,” Trump said, “and George really fits in with that culture already. His experience with skittles and racism puts him over the top.”
Mr. Trump was referring to the blacklash his son, Donald Trump, Jr. touched off when he tweeted a meme that equated Syrian refugees to a bowl full of Skittles. If only a few were poisoned, the meme asked, would the reader still take a handful. While critics of the meme have pointed out its antisemitic roots, and that Syrian refugees go through an exhaustive vetting process — unlike a random bowl of candy — Trump says that during Zimmerman’s interview, the acquitted murderer brought the meme up specifically.
“He laughed,” Trump told the press, “and then said he felt the same way about black kids in hoodies. He said he treats them all like they’re armed and looking for trouble. Makes a lot of sense to me, really. You gotta be on guard at all times, especially when you’re a hot headed violent sociopath like George. Which again, will only help him fit in around here.”
The alleged billionaire and D-List reality-TV star said that in addition to his duties as Director of African-American Outreach, Zimmerman will also provide additional security at rallies.
“Not for me,” Trump said, “for the racists out in the audience who assault protesters. They need protection. They’re just using the First Amendment in a physically violent way. And before you elitist snob reporters say anything, no, the First Amendment doesn’t cover violence. Yet. But it will. I’ve got my best lawyers — the ones with last names that end in ‘stein’ or ‘man’ — working on it.”
It’s unclear at this time exactly when Zimmerman will start working with the Trump campaign. Aides to Mr. Trump say they have to arrange for Zimmerman’s travel because as one aide put it, “Getting George behind the wheel of a car may not end well for all parties involved.
Mr. Zimmerman could not be reached for comment. This is a developing story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.