Pres-Elect Trump Taps Literal Box Of Rocks For Health And Human Services Secretary

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump has just a matter of a few short weeks until he is sworn-in as the country’s 45th president and has been stepping up the number of cabinet selections he’s made in the last few days. Notably, Dr. Ben Carson — a neurosurgeon and one of Trump’s competitor’s in the Republican primary who wound-up endorsing the alleged billionaire — has just been announced as Trump’s pick to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Critics of the selection question it because Carson himself said last month he “unqualified” for the role and that his experience as a neurosurgeon would make him a more logical choice for Health and Human Services Secretary.

On Monday morning, Trump announced yet another surprising choice for his cabinet, in front of his Trump Tower apartment.

“Today, I’m very pleased, very, very pleased really, to announce that I’ve made my selection as to who will be my Secretary of Health and Human Services,” Trump said, “and it’s this large box of rocks.”

Trump waved his right arm, his diminutive hand pointing toward a large, wooden box just next to his podium. He smiled widely as photographers took photos of the box. The rocks, as best as can be gleaned at time of publication, were mostly pyrite and dull geodes.

“Some people may be wondering why I’d have this inanimate box of rocks fill such an important role in my administration,” Trump mused, “and I get that. I really do. But I’ve been talking this over with Kellyanne, Steve, and Reince, and we feel this box of rocks fits in the spirit of my other cabinet selections thus far in terms of qualifications and intellectual acumen.”

President-elect Trump believes that the box of rocks will “make just as much sense as Ben Carson” and be just as “intellectually astute as that crazy Christian broad I want for educationalizing secretary.” He said he has put his “full faith and confidence” in the box of rocks “bringing just as much to the table” as anyone else in his cabinet.

“Seriously, I’ve been floating Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin’s names for potential cabinet roles,” Trump said, “so does anyone really, truly think a box of rocks isn’t going to fit right in with whatever motley crew of anti-intellectual religious freaks, members of the billionaire finance class, and outright white supremacists I’m going to assemble?”

Mr. Trump also told the press he’d already christened his new cabinet with a “cool nickname” even though he hasn’t quite finished staffing it yet, and is still very noticeably missing a Secretary of State.

“President Warren Harding was a Republican businessman,” Trump said, “like a certain big-handed, smart, billionaire with absolutely genuine hair I know. His cabinet was called the Ohio Gang. I like that name, and considered the Trump Gang Bang, but have decided to go with a different name instead.”

With an ear to ear smile, Trump took a deep breath.

“I’m calling it, America’s Suicide Squad,” Trump said, continuing, “it’s catchy. It’s hip. And most importantly — it’s one percent original. I came up with that name all on my own. No one else has ever even said the words suicide and squad together. That’s how friggin’ smart I am. So friggin’ smart. Some people say I’m the most smartest president to ever live. Just saying.”

The box of rocks did not take any questions from the press.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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