Trump Wants To Tap Rich Uncle Pennybags As Commerce Secretary

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Donald Trump’s search for cabinet members took a surprising turn this week.

Speaking to reporters outside a restaurant he’d just finished dining at with with his family, Trump told the press he’d zeroed in on who he’d like to be the Secretary of Commerce in his Cabinet. The man is known as Rich Uncle Pennybags, but most Americans know him as “the guy on the Monopoly box.”

“First of all, Pennybags knows money,” Trump said, “for God’s sake he’s around it all the time. He also knows commerce! He oversees dozens and dozens of real estate transactions every single day. One day I watched him oversee a trade of the dark blues for the dark greens so a developer could own the entire corner where the Go To Jail Spot is! That was an impressive deal. Very impressive. Not as impressive as my, you know, what’s the word I’m looking for…? Penis. But it was still very impressive. Very impressive.”

Trump said there’s another reason he wants Pennybags in the role.

“He’s rich,” Trump said, “duh. Rich people know more and are obviously better at doing things because they’re rich. Whether they were born rich, or they were made rich when their parents gave them money to start a business that was more money than most people make in a lifetime. Rich people are just better, period, at everything and anything.”

The President-Elect says that he will personally vouch for Mr. Pennybags.

“I’ve known Uncle Pennybags a long time. A really long time,” Trump said, “He’s the one that convinced my dad to give me that very small, very modest one million dollar loan to start my business enterprises.”

“We need someone who understands money and commerce,” Trump continued, “We need someone who understands rolling doubles three times in a row will land you in jail, someone who knows free money on free parking is only a house rule, and we most importantly need someone who gets that you must past GO to get your two-hundred dollars.”

Reached for comment, Pennybags said he has begun working with Republican legislators on two changes that he says will “greatly increase America’s economic standing.”

“We’re going to propose turning Social Security into a sort of communal chest,” Pennybags said, “where instead of retiring with some money to live on, you’ll just grab a card from a pile and it’ll maybe give you money, or tell you that you have to give money to others. You know, fun stuff like that.” Pennybag’s other idea is to flatten all tax rates and give Americans a choice between paying either $200 or a percentage of whatever’s in their bank accounts at the time.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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